Inspirity Surrenders... Marriage Magazine for The Surrendered Wife

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2010-02-09T07:50:00.006Z

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The Butterfly That Stamped, Rudyard Kipling

2010-01-04T07:02:00.006Z

Would one like some suggestions for fascinatingly addressing one's husband...?

http://www.online-literature.com/kipling/162/

The Butterfly that Stamped

THIS, O my Best Beloved, is a story--a new and a wonderful story--a story quite different from the other stories--a story about The Most Wise Sovereign Suleiman-bin-Daoud--Solomon the Son of David.

There are three hundred and fifty-five stories about Suleiman- bin-Daoud; but this is not one of them. It is not the story of the Lapwing who found the Water; or the Hoopoe who shaded Suleimanbin-Daoud from the heat. It is not the story of the Glass Pavement, or the Ruby with the Crooked Hole, or the Gold Bars of Balkis. It is the story of the Butterfly that Stamped.

Now attend all over again and listen!

Suleiman-bin-Daoud was wise. He understood what the beasts said, what the birds said, what the fishes said, and what the insects said. He understood what the rocks said deep under the earth when they bowed in towards each other and groaned; and he understood what the trees said when they rustled in the middle of the morning. He understood everything, from the bishop on the bench to the hyssop on the wall, and Balkis, his Head Queen, the Most Beautiful Queen Balkis, was nearly as wise as he was.

Suleiman-bin-Daoud was strong. Upon the third finger of the right hand he wore a ring. When he turned it once, Afrits and Djinns came Out of the earth to do whatever he told them. When he turned it twice, Fairies came down from the sky to do whatever he told them; and when he turned it three times, the very great angel Azrael of the Sword came dressed as a water-carrier, and told him the news of the three worlds,--Above--Below--and Here.

And yet Suleiman-bin-Daoud was not proud. He very seldom showed off, and when he did he was sorry for it. Once he tried to feed all the animals in all the world in one day, but when the food was ready an Animal came out of the deep sea and ate it up in three mouthfuls. Suleiman-bin-Daoud was very surprised and said, 'O Animal, who are you?' And the Animal said, 'O King, live for ever! I am the smallest of thirty thousand brothers, and our home is at the bottom of the sea. We heard that you were going to feed all the animals in all the world, and my brothers sent me to ask when dinner would be ready.' Suleiman-bin-Daoud was more surprised than ever and said, 'O Animal, you have eaten all the dinner that I made ready for all the animals in the world.' And the Animal said, 'O King, live for ever, but do you really call that a dinner? Where I come from we each eat twice as much as that between meals.' Then Suleiman-bin-Daoud fell flat on his face and said, 'O Animal! I gave that dinner to show what a great and rich king I was, and not because I really wanted to be kind to the animals. Now I am ashamed, and it serves me right. Suleiman-bin-Daoud was a really truly wise man, Best Beloved. After that he never forgot that it was silly to show off; and now the real story part of my story begins.

He married ever so many wifes. He married nine hundred and ninety-nine wives, besides the Most Beautiful Balkis; and they all lived in a great golden palace in the middle of a lovely garden with fountains. He didn't really want nine-hundred and ninety-nine wives, but in those days everybody married ever so many wives, and of course the King had to marry ever so many more just to show that he was the King.

Some of the wives were nice, but some were simply horrid, and the horrid ones quarrelled with the nice ones and made them horrid too, and then they would all quarrel with Suleiman-bin-Daoud, and that was horrid for him. But Balkis the Most Beautiful never quarrelled with Suleiman-bin-Daoud. She loved him too much. She sat in her rooms in the Golden Palace, or walked in the Palace garden, and was truly sorry for him.

Of course if he had chosen to turn his ring on his finger and call up the Djinns and the Afrits they would have magicked all those nine hundred and ninety-nine quarrelsome wives into white mules of the desert or greyhounds or pomegranate seeds; but Suleiman-bin-Daoud thought that that would be showing off. So, when they quarrelled too much, he only walked by himself in one part of the beautiful Palace gardens and wished he had never been born.

One day, when they had quarrelled for three weeks--all nine hundred and ninety-nine wives together--Suleiman-bin-Daoud went out for peace and quiet as usual; and among the orange trees he met Balkis the Most Beautiful, very sorrowful because Suleiman- bin-Daoud was so worried. And she said to him, 'O my Lord and Light of my Eyes, turn the ring upon your finger and show these Queens of Egypt and Mesopotamia and Persia and China that you are the great and terrible King.' But Suleiman-bin-Daoud shook his head and said, 'O my Lady and Delight of my Life, remember the Animal that came out of the sea and made me ashamed before all the animals in all the world because I showed off. Now, if I showed off before these Queens of Persia and Egypt and Abyssinia and China, merely because they worry me, I might be made even more ashamed than I have been.'

And Balkis the Most Beautiful said, 'O my Lord and Treasure of my Soul, what will you do?'

And Suleiman-bin-Daoud said, 'O my Lady and Content of my Heart, I shall continue to endure my fate at the hands of these nine hundred and ninety-nine Queens who vex me with their continual quarrelling.'

So he went on between the lilies and the loquats and the roses and the cannas and the heavy-scented ginger-plants that grew in the garden, till he came to the great camphor-tree that was called the Camphor Tree of Suleiman-bin-Daoud. But Balkis hid among the tall irises and the spotted bamboos and the red lillies behind the camphor-tree, so as to be near her own true love, Suleiman-bin-Daoud.

Presently two Butterflies flew under the tree, quarrelling.

Suleiman-bin-Daoud heard one say to the other, 'I wonder at your presumption in talking like this to me. Don't you know that if I stamped with my foot all Suleiman-bin-Daoud's Palace and this garden here would immediately vanish in a clap of thunder.'

Then Suleiman-bin-Daoud forgot his nine hundred and ninety-nine bothersome wives, and laughed, till the camphor-tree shook, at the Butterfly's boast. And he held out his finger and said, 'Little man, come here.'

The Butterfly was dreadfully frightened, but he managed to fly up to the hand of Suleiman-bin-Daoud, and clung there, fanning himself. Suleiman-bin-Daoud bent his head and whispered very softly, 'Little man, you know that all your stamping wouldn't bend one blade of grass. What made you tell that awful fib to your wife?--for doubtless she is your wife.'

The Butterfly looked at Suleiman-bin-Daoud and saw the most wise King's eye twinkle like stars on a frosty night, and he picked up his courage with both wings, and he put his head on one side and said, 'O King, live for ever. She is my wife; and you know what wives are like.

Suleiman-bin-Daoud smiled in his beard and said, 'Yes, I know, little brother.

'One must keep them in order somehow, said the Butterfly, and she has been quarrelling with me all the morning. I said that to quiet her.'

And Suleiman-bin-Daoud said, 'May it quiet her. Go back to your wife, little brother, and let me hear what you say.'

Back flew the Butterfly to his wife, who was all of a twitter behind a leaf, and she said, 'He heard you! Suleiman-bin-Daoud himself heard you!'

'Heard me!' said the Butterfly. 'Of course he did. I meant him to hear me.'

'And what did he say? Oh, what did he say?'

'Well,' said the Butterfly, fanning himself most importantly, 'between you and me, my dear--of course I don't blame him, because his Palace must have cost a great deal and the oranges are just ripening,--he asked me not to stamp, and I promised I wouldn't.'

'Gracious!' said his wife, and sat quite quiet; but Suleiman-bin-Daoud laughed till the tears ran down his face at the impudence of the bad little Butterfly.

Balkis the Most Beautiful stood up behind the tree among the red lilies and smiled to herself, for she had heard all this talk. She thought, 'If I am wise I can yet save my Lord from the persecutions of these quarrelsome Queens,' and she held out her finger and whispered softly to the Butterfly's Wife, 'Little woman, come here.' Up flew the Butterfly's Wife, very frightened, and clung to Balkis's white hand.

Balkis bent her beautiful head down and whispered, 'Little woman, do you believe what your husband has just said?'

The Butterfly's Wife looked at Balkis, and saw the most beautiful Queen's eyes shining like deep pools with starlight on them, and she picked up her courage with both wings and said, 'O Queen, be lovely for ever. You know what men-folk are like.'

And the Queen Balkis, the Wise Balkis of Sheba, put her hand to her lips to hide a smile and said, 'Little sister, I know.'

'They get angry,' said the Butterfly's Wife, fanning herself quickly, 'over nothing at all, but we must humour them, O Queen. They never mean half they say. If it pleases my husband to believe that I believe he can make Suleiman-bin-Daoud's Palace disappear by stamping his foot, I'm sure I don't care. He'll forget all about it to-morrow.'

'Little sister,' said Balkis, 'you are quite right; but next time he begins to boast, take him at his word. Ask him to stamp, and see what will happen. We know what men-folk are like, don't we? He'll be very much ashamed.'

Away flew the Butterfly's Wife to her husband, and in five minutes they were quarrelling worse than ever.

'Remember!' said the Butterfly. 'Remember what I can do if I stamp my foot.'

'I don't believe you one little bit,' said the Butterfly's Wife. 'I should very much like to see it done. Suppose you stamp now.'

'I promised Suleiman-bin-Daoud that I wouldn't,' said the Butterfly, 'and I don't want to break my promise.'

'It wouldn't matter if you did,' said his wife. 'You couldn't bend a blade of grass with your stamping. I dare you to do it,' she said. Stamp! Stamp! Stamp!'

Suleiman-bin-Daoud, sitting under the camphor-tree, heard every word of this, and he laughed as he had never laughed in his life before. He forgot all about his Queens; he forgot all about the Animal that came out of the sea; he forgot about showing off. He just laughed with joy, and Balkis, on the other side of the tree, smiled because her own true love was so joyful.

Presently the Butterfly, very hot and puffy, came whirling back under the shadow of the camphor-tree and said to Suleiman, 'She wants me to stamp! She wants to see what will happen, O Suleiman-bin-Daoud! You know I can't do it, and now she'll never believe a word I say. She'll laugh at me to the end of my days!'

'No, little brother,' said Suleiman-bin-Daoud, 'she will never laugh at you again,' and he turned the ring on his finger--just for the little Butterfly's sake, not for the sake of showing off,--and, lo and behold, four huge Djinns came out of the earth!

'Slaves,' said Suleiman-bin-Daoud, 'when this gentleman on my finger' (that was where the impudent Butterfly was sitting) 'stamps his left front forefoot you will make my Palace and these gardens disappear in a clap of thunder. When he stamps again you will bring them back carefully.'

'Now, little brother,' he said, 'go back to your wife and stamp all you've a mind to.'

Away flew the Butterfly to his wife, who was crying, 'I dare you to do it! I dare you to do it! Stamp! Stamp now! Stamp!' Balkis saw the four vast Djinns stoop down to the four corners of the gardens with the Palace in the middle, and she clapped her hands softly and said, 'At last Suleiman-bin-Daoud will do for the sake of a Butterfly what he ought to have done long ago for his own sake, and the quarrelsome Queens will be frightened!'

The the butterfly stamped. The Djinns jerked the Palace and the gardens a thousand miles into the air: there was a most awful thunder-clap, and everything grew inky-black. The Butterfly's Wife fluttered about in the dark, crying, 'Oh, I'll be good! I'm so sorry I spoke. Only bring the gardens back, my dear darling husband, and I'll never contradict again.'

The Butterfly was nearly as frightened as his wife, and Suleiman-bin-Daoud laughed so much that it was several minutes before he found breath enough to whisper to the Butterfly, 'Stamp again, little brother. Give me back my Palace, most great magician.'

'Yes, give him back his Palace,' said the Butterfly's Wife, still flying about in the dark like a moth. 'Give him back his Palace, and don't let's have any more horrid.magic.'

'Well, my dear,' said the Butterfly as bravely as he could, 'you see what your nagging has led to. Of course it doesn't make any difference to me--I'm used to this kind of thing--but as a favour to you and to Suleiman-bin-Daoud I don't mind putting things right.'

So he stamped once more, and that instant the Djinns let down the Palace and the gardens, without even a bump. The sun shone on the dark-green orange leaves; the fountains played among the pink Egyptian lilies; the birds went on singing, and the Butterfly's Wife lay on her side under the camphor-tree waggling her wings and panting, 'Oh, I'll be good! I'll be good!'

Suleiman-bin-Daolld could hardly speak for laughing. He leaned back all weak and hiccoughy, and shook his finger at the Butterfly and said, 'O great wizard, what is the sense of returning to me my Palace if at the same time you slay me with mirth!'

Then came a terrible noise, for all the nine hundred and ninety-nine Queens ran out of the Palace shrieking and shouting and calling for their babies. They hurried down the great marble steps below the fountain, one hundred abreast, and the Most Wise Balkis went statelily forward to meet them and said, 'What is your trouble, O Queens?'

They stood on the marble steps one hundred abreast and shouted, 'What is our trouble? We were living peacefully in our golden palace, as is our custom, when upon a sudden the Palace disappeared, and we were left sitting in a thick and noisome darkness; and it thundered, and Djinns and Afrits moved about in the darkness! That is our trouble, O Head Queen, and we are most extremely troubled on account of that trouble, for it was a troublesome trouble, unlike any trouble we have known.'

Then Balkis the Most Beautiful Queen--Suleiman-bin-Daoud's Very Best Beloved--Queen that was of Sheba and Sable and the Rivers of the Gold of the South--from the Desert of Zinn to the Towers of Zimbabwe--Balkis, almost as wise as the Most Wise Suleiman-bin-Daoud himself, said, 'It is nothing, O Queens! A Butterfly has made complaint against his wife because she quarrelled with him, and it has pleased our Lord Suleiman-bin-Daoud to teach her a lesson in low-speaking and humbleness, for that is counted a virtue among the wives of the butterflies.'

Then up and spoke an Egyptian Queen--the daughter of a Pharoah--and she said, 'Our Palace cannot be plucked up by the roots like a leek for the sake of a little insect. No! Suleiman-bin-Daoud must be dead, and what we heard and saw was the earth thundering and darkening at the news.'

Then Balkis beckoned that bold Queen without looking at her, and said to her and to the others, 'Come and see.'

They came down the marble steps, one hundred abreast, and beneath his camphor-tree, still weak with laughing, they saw the Most Wise King Suleiman-bin-Daoud rocking back and forth with a Butterfly on either hand, and they heard him say, 'O wife of my brother in the air, remember after this, to please your husband in all things, lest he be provoked to stamp his foot yet again; for he has said that he is used to this magic, and he is most eminently a great magician--one who steals away the very Palace of Suleirnan-bin-Daoud himself. Go in peace, little folk!' And he kissed them on the wings, and they flew away.

Then all the Queens except Balkis--the Most Beautiful and Splendid Balkis, who stood apart smiling--fell flat on their faces, for they said, 'If these things are done when a Butterfly is displeased with his wife, what shall be done to us who have vexed our King with our loud-speaking and open quarrelling through many days?'

Then they put their veils over their heads, and they put their hands over their mouths, and they tiptoed back to the Palace most mousy-quiet.

Then Balkis--The Most Beautiful and Excellent Balkis--went forward through the red lilies into the shade of the camphor-tree and laid her hand upon Suleiman-bin-Daoud's shoulder and said, 'O my Lord and Treasure of my Soul, rejoice, for we have taught the Queens of Egypt and Ethiopia and Abyssinia and Persia and India and China with a great and a memorable teaching.'

And Suleiman-bin-Daoud, still looking after the Butterflies where they played in the sunlight, said, 'O my Lady and Jewel of my Felicity, when did this happen? For I have been jesting with a Butterfly ever since I came into the garden.' And he told Balkis what he had done.

Balkis--The tender and Most Lovely Balkis--said, 'O my Lord and Regent of my Existence, I hid behind the camphor-tree and saw it all. It was I who told the Butterfly's Wife to ask the Butterfly to stamp, because I hoped that for the sake of the jest my Lord would make some great magic and that the Queens would see it and be frightened.' And she told him what the Queens had said and seen and thought.

Then Suleiman-bin-Daoud rose up from his seat under the camphor-tree, and stretched his arms and rejoiced and said, 'O my Lady and Sweetener of my Days, know that if I had made a magic against my Queens for the sake of pride or anger, as I made that feast for all the animals, I should certainly have been put to shame. But by means of your wisdom I made the magic for the sake of a jest and for the sake of a little Butterfly, and--behold--it has also delivered me from the vexations of my vexatious wives! Tell me, therefore, O my Lady and Heart of my Heart, how did you come to be so wise?' And Balkis the Queen, beautiful and tall, looked up into Suleiman-bin-Daoud's eyes and put her head a little on one side, just like the Butterfly, and said, 'First, O my Lord, because I loved you; and secondly, O my Lord, because I know what women-folk are.'

Then they went up to the Palace and lived happily ever afterwards.

But wasn't it clever of Balkis?

THERE was never a Queen like Balkis, From here to the wide world's end; But Balkis tailed to a butterfly As you would talk to a friend. There was never a King like Solomon, Not since the world began; But Solomon talked to a butterfly As a man would talk to a man. She was Queen of Sabaea-- And he was Asia's Lord-- But they both of 'em talked to butterflies When they took their walks abroad!

Being Content, Diligent and Responsible when Expressing Yourself

2009-12-28T16:01:00.008Z

The Surrendered Wife teaches women the art of effective communication with their other half, and encourages the expression of desires, limitations and feelings. The wonderful thing about this approach is that it does work – but if over-used, it may work against you.

Expressing Desires - ‘I want’ – Be Content
When you start taking responsibility for what you want, instead of making him guess, or telling him what ‘we’ want, (i.e. ‘Wouldn’t it be nice if we went for holiday this year?’) you give him the opportunity to please you... it may not happen today, or tomorrow – but the point is that you let him know. You can abuse this womanly art by over-using it by making request after request to the extent that your husband thinks that he will never be able to make you happy! Your husband wants to see you content – he wants to know he provided well for you. Express too many desires and you run the risk of sounding like a spoilt brat who never gets enough.

Expressing your limitations – ‘I can’t’ – Be Diligent
It is paramount a woman knows her limits, and stays within them, stretching them when circumstances require, but only to the amount that she can. When you let him know that you ‘can't’ do something, instead of doing it all and then resenting him, or refusing to do it and then criticizing him for not doing it, you put the ball into his court. You can abuse this womanly art of expression by over-using it to the extent that you come across as a feeble woman who can't get anything done by herself. We all have our own responsibilities and roles, and we should do them diligently.

Expressing your feelings – ‘Ouch’ – Be Responsible
You will at times in your life need to speak up and air your concerns. Your husband may say hurtful things to you. You may have a bad day where everyone treats you badly, and you want to sound off to your husband. Take care to be responsible and speak for yourself. The worst thing you can do when expressing your feelings – be it hurt, anger or concern is to start attacking everyone else’s character. Speak for yourself, using ‘I’ statements. It will be especially hard for your husband to see your point of view if you are attacking his character (or even his mum’s!). In the event that you are upset or lonely, you may want to take your concerns to a friend who can give you some perspective – sometimes it is all we need. If you bring all your concerns to your husband - especially if you miss your family once you get married – your husband may feel upset that you are not happy with him, and that no matter what he does, he just can't keep you happy.

So in a nutshell – go ahead and express yourself using the surrendering techniques – but take care not to abuse them...!

The FULL Story

2009-12-21T08:12:00.002Z

http://emersonandsarah.blogspot.com/2009/08/brilliant-observations-by-two-men.html

I loved this artcle – it shows brilliantly how men and woman differ in the way they communicate!

‘When my wife presses me for details, she may not be prying, she might just be wanting to know all of the details because she’s pink and she’s just like that.’

Dealing with people who are discontent

2009-12-14T08:40:00.001Z

Do you have someone in your life who is only too happy to point out the areas that are less than perfect - 'this lasagne has a tad too much salt', 'that child has a snotty nose' or 'my, what big ears you have my dear'.

I have a few, but significant people,like this in my life and if I play their game of discontent, my marriage suffers.

Take for example my mother, who on a recent visit home suddenly blurted out that I must find my wallpaper very distressing, she would never be able to relax and feel calm with wallpaper like ours. What she was trying to say was 'stop renting and buy your own house' but she opted for the technique of planting discontent in my heart to reach that goal. She did the same in our old house - this time going on about the small size 'but we don't have a mortgage and to move to a bigger house would mean borrowing about £100,000' I said. 'Well, if that's what it takes, that's what it takes' came the reply. And I (to my eternal shame) put pressure on DH to borrow a huge sum of money so we could move to a bigger house - our marriage went downhill till I gave up.

I have learnt my lesson. We are living in this house (wallpaper and all) because it suits us, no one else is expected to share with us - they can go to their own houses and stare at the walls they are relaxed with.

So for those of you who have anyone in your life who is pointing out the flaws, indicating the glass is half empty or just plain old criticising, I am going to share the lessons I have learnt over the years:

1) Do not try to prove to the other person that they are wrong and you are right. For example, MIL has told you in public that your breastmilk is too weak and you should switch to formula. DO NOT start explaining that breast fed babies have greater success in life and, on average, a higher IQ. She may well ask if you think DH is a failure or stupid as he was bottle fed after the first week. It could turn nasty, depending on how angry you are "he's as thick as two short planks and can't even mend a puncture!" may be your unfortunate way out of the corner you worked yourself into.
Best just to smile sweetly and say "I want to breastfeed as it makes me feel so close to my baby! She looks kind of hungry now, pass her here and I'll be back in a while!"

2) Do not stoop to their level, no matter how tempted you are. The person who spends half an hour telling you how attractive they are and how unattractive you are (just pluck those brows and put some mascara on, and lipstick, and foundation, and perfume - my husband is so smitten by me, but your husband must be miserable blah blah blah (my sister did this to me)). DO NOT point out their plucked brows make them look permanently astonished and their makeup is probably made of human placenta. Keep the moral high ground "that wasn't a nice thing to say" and walk away. Point made.

3) Do not expect them to change. Once you can identify someone as a pain in the butt, do not be amazed when they keep paining you. Aunty came over and spent half an hour saying you can't cook for toffee? She is more than likely to do the same every time she visits, don't let each visit sting you afresh but put on the emotional armour, next time she bites into that vol-au-vent and pulls a face you can just enjoy your own delcious cooking (or admire the skill of the factory that provides your ready meals).

4) Recognise what is going on. The person who is yanking your chain is playing a game, the game of making themselves feel better by making you feel worse. The MIL who dragged her newly married son around the house to show him where his wife had missed bits of dust was really saying "I took better care of you than she does - I am more important than she is" and she is doing this because she is scared that she isn't as important as she want to be. Once you can see the game that is being played you can opt out totally, turn down the invitation to play the game and leave the person to stew in whatever juices they have chosen to make for themselves.

5) Distance helps. You don't have to invite people into your life if they are going to be downright horrid. Stay in touch with people if you must, but you don't have to go on holiday with them. If you really have no choice at all and you have to be in close, regular contact with them - emotional distance is called for. If your mother is going to put down your wallpaper, your house, your husband - then don't phone her to tell her every intimate detail of your life and ask her opinion on it, most importantly do not listen to her or take things to heart.

Once Upon a Time....

2009-11-30T08:41:00.003Z

Once upon a time there was a beautiful fairy called Fay Leur, she lived with Elf Husband in a cute little fairy village full of surrendered happy fairies and their adoring husbands.

One day, as Fay was washing the dishes in her little fairy kitchen, she started to dream about a life without dishes and one with a dish washer. Within the space of one hour she had listened to her dream so much that she felt angry she did not have a dishwasher already. She decided to talk to Princess Nurture about it but Nurture was too busy to talk ... she was painting her dishwasher purple. Then Fay phoned Harmony, but Harmony was too busy teaching her dishwasher to giggle. "Good Grief" thought Fay, "the whole world is washing dishes in machines and here I am using my dainty feminine hands" she felt more annoyed than before.

Fay knew she needed help and fast. Firstly she asked Unmarried Friend for advice - "Oh, you need to seduce him! Once you seduced the guy he will give you whatever you want, my husband will, if I ever find him. Just dress up all vulnerable in high heels and tight clothes - oh and change your perfume, he'll be sick of the one you usually wear!" Feeling a bit upset and unsure of the advice Fay decided to do her best when Elf Husband came home that night, after all what did she know about him really? If she knew how to be a good wife she would have a purple dishwasher giggling in her kitchen right now.

Secondly Fay consulted Marriage Expert, who had been married sixteen times and clearly knew a lot about men and marriage and husbands. Marriage Expert explained that all men are actually psychic and gave all sorts of interesting tips on how to make Elf Husband get a dishwasher.

So when Elf Husband walked home that night he was vaguely surprised to find his wife standing with her hands in a sink full of soap suds (she had read Surrendering Sammy's post) , in high heels with a satin vest on. "Hi!" she said, flashin a coy smile at him and fluttering her shiny fairy wings at him "have a good day at work?" "NO! Santa is impossible to work for, he complained about my uniform and said I was headed for demotion, I can't take much more of his rubbish - overweight, red-faced bearded fool! What's that smell? Have you been killing flies?" Feeling a bit dejected Fay put a nice bright smile on her face - "Oh, my new perfume!" she giggled "Essence of Tea Tree - I thought..." but she was talking to an empty room, Elf Husband had gone into the other room to read a book.

That night Fay leaned over and wispered into his sleeping ears "Dishwasher, Dishwasher, Dishwasher" he stirred in his sleep and she smiled, just a matter of time now!

The following day Elf Husband came home a little bit later than normal. He smiled when he saw his wife and said she was in for a treat, he'd been to the shops and bought her a Fish Bosher. It was a huge club and he demonstrated how she could hit a living fish over the head with it before cooking. As she stared at the fish body lying on her tidy work top with her husband cheerfully bashing its brains out Fay did feel slightly nauseated, but she was too polite to say anything. Later that night Elf Husband came off the phone and said his mum was sending a fish executor from Elfistan for them, more efficient than a Bosher because it could kill ten fish in one go. Fay just stayed quiet, it was rude to refuse gifts, especially ones shipped all the way from Elfistan, she did feel a bit sad that no one had asked her first though.....

Over the weekend Elf Husband did notice his wife was a bit quieter than normal, she stood around a lot, just staring at him with a look of intense concentration. Really, he thought to himself, it is remarkable how she manages to keep going inspite of her mental health problems. Meanwhile Fay was feeling worse and worse, and angrier and more rejected than ever. After 48 hours of thinking about nothing but dishwashers and trying to send the thought to Elf Husband so he would rush to the shops and get her hers, she was starting to worry that all the fish he was eating was numbing his psychic powers. She had visions of her life ahead of her, washing plates and killing fish and her Elfen In Laws coming over to complain about the way she cooked fish - it was all too much.

She called Inspirity.

"Oh, Hi Sweetie" said Inspirity with a dirty chuckle "I was just putting some rose petals in a bath, should I light 5 or six candles do you think? I found a really good face mask too, just waiting for it to dry! What's up, how's the surrendering going?"

Fay sobbed the whole story out to Inspirity, how she was married to the most inconsiderate Elf in Santas Grotto, how she couldn't believe she was married to someone who so clearly didn't love her. By the time she had finished Inspirity's face was stuck in place by the dehydrated mask and she could hardly move her lips, the candles were nearly finished and her bath was cold. "Listen" she said, keeping her words to a minimum and thinking about a career change "You should try saying 'I want a dishwasher' then say 'I don't want the fish thingy from Elfistan' and leave it at that. The poor guy is probably really confused by you at the moment and you are the lady of the house, not your ElfMIL. If you had told him the things you just told me in a nice feminine way you would be a lot happier and so would he. Stop trying to control and manipulate him with your femininity and say he can do whatever he does to the fish in his shed, not your kitchen."

Fay suddenly saw what a silly fairy she had been and went to polish her wings and practise what she was going to say to Elf Husband.

The End

Which Books for the Tiffin Exam?

2009-11-23T09:26:00.000Z

A fantastic summary by super-tutor Patricia:

http://www.elevenplusexams.co.uk/forum/11plus/viewtopic.php?t=12060&start=0&postdays=0&postorder=asc&highlight=&sid=21dbfd606f50a72edefe632a4d306cfd

Surrendering the finances – What does Islam say about it?

2009-11-16T08:15:00.004Z

After reading The Surrendered Wife, many women do ask how to balance the surrendered approach of handing over the chequebook to their husbands, with the rights that a Muslim woman is given under the law of Islam - that a woman has the right over her own money.

Your money is yours

It is true, a Muslim woman has the right over her own money, and doesn’t need to give any of it to her husband, which is a far cry from handing it all over to dear husband and telling him to look after it – so what is a woman to do?

I normally advise that women who have their own bank accounts and their own money keep hold of those funds. This would allow the household to be run by the income the husband was bringing in, and he would be the sole breadwinner. If the couple decided with mutual consent, further income could be added from the money the wife bought in, if that is what she felt like doing.

Your husband is the head of the household

The surrendering aspect comes into play when the woman gives the man the final say in where the money is spent, acknowledging him as the head of the household. Granted, one of a woman’s most legendary vices is to control. When you combine this characteristic with a paycheque, it’s very important to ensure that the man doesn’t feel stripped of his role to provide as a man, and perhaps even more essential if the man isn’t bringing in as much as the woman. Therefore, if a woman has her own money and wants to contribute towards the finances, she would do well to let him have the ultimate decision on what to spend it on.

Maria is a lady who attended one of my seminars. She was working on a very high paying salary, and husband had been made redundant. While it was important for her to keep working to keep the household running, Maria also became exhausted from all the responsibility and started to resent her husband for not doing as much as she was. This situation spiralled downwards as in her resentment, Maria started controlling how he spent money, especially since she was trying so hard to be frugal with her hard-earned money and she didn't think he was doing the same.

Her main complaint was that he bought overly expensive things, and helped other members of the family without thinking twice of the money he was spending... her money. Eventually, as a one-time experiment, Maria decided to give her husband the control of paying the bills and sorting out the finances. He was a bit shocked at first, because he hadn’t earnt any of it, yet now had to manage how to spend it. This put a lot of responsibility on his shoulders and he started to think carefully on that he spent it on. It also made him gave him the determination to look harder for a job, which he previously hadn’t been doing.

The benefits of relinquishing control of the finances

When a woman gives up control of where her husband spends the finances, a number of good things happen. Her husband starts to think responsibly when he spends the money. He faces up to consequences of poor business decisions he may have made – because they will fall on his shoulders. He also won't be able to blame his wife when things go wrong, (this is the easy way out for a man with a controlling wife or a man who relies heavily on his wife’s guidance) because it was his decision not hers. Furthermore, it relieves her of the worry and stress that comes with being responsible for paying the bills, and gives her time to focus on her own self-care, which up to this point in time, she has most probably neglected.

Why not try it out as one-time experiment; you can always go back to the way things are if it does not work out.

Does this mean she doesn’t have a voice?

Not at all. When it comes to the finances, and what the family should spend money on, she lets him know what her opinions are, but she doesn’t push her opinions onto him. She lets him know if she fears a decision he is making might not be successful, but she does this responsibly – by speaking for herself and not for him, and by using ‘I’ statements.. I feel, I want, I can’t, I'm afraid... And if he does make a mistake, she trusts his positive intentions and helps him to get over it by building up his confidence, rather than tearing his character down.

Surrendering doesn’t mean that women don't speak up and instead make their husbands go it alone and make mistakes – men need their wives by their sides, as their best friend who will point out things that others wouldn’t bother telling them. However, when done with feminine diplomacy and self-expression, it will be heard, accepted and digested rather than being rejected, ignored or even resented.

If it isn’t broken, don't fix it

If what you are doing is working for you, then that's fabulous. If you have a good understanding between the two of you, where you bring in a fair amount of income into the home, and your husband is a responsible person who is ambitious and aspiring in his own profession, then go ahead and enjoy it. The problem arises when a woman is so ambitious and capable that the man starts to feel inadequate and loses the impetus to aim high, especially in the current economic climate where many people are being made redundant or losing their jobs.

You know what’s best for your situation

Surrendering the finances may just not work for you. You may have a wonderful husband who just isn’t responsible enough with money, and you may decide that it is best that you have control of the finances. If that is the case with you, then do try to put money aside which will help you to remain grounded and not become exhausted and overwhelmed with the responsibility. Look after yourself with regular self-care, delegate as many jobs as you can; get a cleaner, a tutor for the children, and employ someone to look after the children so you have time to go out with your husband and enjoy his company.

Never go to your friends for advice

2009-11-09T08:03:00.002Z

I have some advice for everyone. Never go to your friends for advice. I will explain why by giving you all direct examples from my married life.

In the beginning, I met my husband and we liked each other and we got married and everything seemed well with the world. Except a fair proportion of my friends were, I now realise, jealous. They talked about us, about me, about my husband. Unflattering things were said, but what was really being said was "why her and not me? Why am I still looking when she got married so soon?" As I was happy with him and he was happy with me then what was there to criticize exactly? The point was that I had left their little group; the friends who relied on me to spend time with them and entertain them were suddenly left to their own devices as I tried to build the foundations of a lasting marriage.

I still remember the time a person looked at me and said, "Well some people get married and you never see them any more - HINT HINT." Well they did still see me, but not as often as before. Worst of all one friend phoned me every evening for about 2 hours a shot and when my husband complained everyone decided he was jealous and had issues with her. Well I'd have had issues if he spent that much time on the phone, it would have driven me nuts.

Now I am not saying you have to abandon your friends, ignore your family and cut off socializing with colleagues - but I knew then as I do now that my husband has to feel important and if I had tried to carry on with my old life exactly as I had before, our marriage could not have lasted.

But still I did not learn...

Every marriage has problems and rocky patches. When we hit a rough patch I thought I would go to my friends for advice, after all they knew me well and liked me. The result was that I found myself at the receiving end of the most idiotic, insensitive and prejudiced opinions I can remember. I was meant to do everything from "make him clean the toilet so he appreciates you" to "take up lap dancing" - poor man, all he wanted was a quiet cup of coffee while he read the newspaper! It just got better and better (or worse and worse depending on your perspective) - one friend even took to eavesdropping on my phone calls and telling me where I went wrong. AAAAARGH!

I was starting to learn, but then...

I read The Surrendered Wife and so did a lot of my friends. If I thought things had been bad before I should have listened to my dad when he said "never mind if things look glum for sure enough there's worse to come!" Suddenly the world had an idea of surrendering and they shared it with me - I really doubt they could follow the advice they gave me, not a soul I know could; "never have an opinion about anything because men can't stand women with an opinion" - what, even if you agree on something? "I am not sure if starving people need food because I am a woman and can't form an opinion" - that wouldn't do anything for him or me; I'd have to hate myself for a start. One of the strengths of our marriage is that we talk to each other and exchange views and experiences and I'm meant to get rid of that for good?

And what about surrendered experts when I hit a rocky patch? Let me paint the scene.... We went on holiday to Spain for a week after a period of intense work for both of us. As he worked towards a promotion, he spent very little time in the house, but he promised the holiday in Spain would make up for it all. When we got there, he spent no time at all with me. I walked on the beach alone, went to bed alone and then woke to find him ready for breakfast together before he went to play golf - without me. Feeling rejected in every sense of the word my friends explained that I had to stop trying to control him, that I shouldn't chase him and that his desire to be with me would only be fuelled if I backed off and acted all feminine. Direct communication was not in their interpretation of the book.

I sought the advice of a sage and was told to read "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay", I also had a direct word with my husband, I couldn't carry on with things the way they were, I felt rejected, I needed his company etc. etc. His response was interesting; he had been bullied at work and had bouts of depression when he had to be alone. The book really helped - he took one look at the title and changed overnight (well almost). I told my sage (who must have been sick of my whinging) who said it sounded like a dysfunctional situation and referred me to Inspirity, who has now replaced all my friends when I need advice (and she must just love me for it!).

The morals of my story? Your friends have their prejudices and their opinions are generally formed from their own limited experiences, they have a mixture of feelings about you and your husband and not all of them are correct. Seek advice from someone who has had training or at least someone wise who will listen to you without judging. Just because someone has read The Surrendered Wife does not mean they can teach it.

The First Aid in English

2009-10-25T18:05:00.002Z

Here are the chapters I recommend in The First Aid of English:

Gender
Families
Traditional Homes
Group Terms
Occupations
Sounds and Motions
Classification
Gradation
Association
Analogies
Antonyms
Synonyms
Homonyms and Homophones
Adverbs
Compound Words
The Right Word in the Right Place
Different Type of Walks page 97
Diminutives
Small Quantities
For Reference
General Knowledge Tests
Fastenings

Hope it helps!

11 Plus - Start Preparing

2009-10-25T18:01:00.000Z

Children in Year 6 are currently taking their 11+ examinations... which means there is only one year left for the children in Year 5!

My son is in year five and I have started him off with mild 11+ prep.... We have started The First Aid in English... he does The Tutors Verbal Reasoning CD Volume 1, and Bonds Third Papers in Non Verbal Reasoning. I am also getting him to read to me... sometimes its fiction, sometimes its the encyclopaedia.

If your child is in Year 5, and you want to start preparing your child for the 11+ why not start it off now, so you don't have to panic later?

http://inspiritysurrenders.blogspot.com/2009/01/which-books-for-verbal-reasoning.html

http://inspiritysurrenders.blogspot.com/2009/03/which-books-for-non-verbal-reasoning.html

Contact me if you want more advice: sara@malik5.com

Not being able to practice self care due to hectic lifestyles.

2009-10-05T08:03:00.003+01:00

A lot of women have young children, and find it hard with sleepless nights, poorly kids, feeling unwell themselves as mums... and life seems to be a roller coaster ride. When trying to surrender, when the topic of self care comes up, a lot of us struggle with this and start counting the things they already do, and the problems they are going through, and that they can't seem to fit in with their lifestyle....

My children are older now - 10, 9 and 6... and the during the early years, when I was looking after babies, going through pregnancies, struggling with my marriage and other external family pressures... I realise now, trying not to feel remorseful, that I did it all wrong.

Once I got into self development, and started reflecting on life, things totally changed. With the knowledge that I have now, I would have theoretically done everything completely different.

I call this the 'Lady in Waiting' period of life. It starts when a woman is pregnant, and continues till her young one is about 4... and if you are having children closely together, that time can expand to at least 10 years of your life!

I now realise how important it is for pregnant women to go easy on themselves. A pregnant woman should be treated like a queen at this stage of her life. It is the time she is giving of herself to her unborn child. Sending messages of contentment and security to the baby... I never did this, always feeling guilty for not having done enough... trying to prove that i was managing okay, and I wasnt just a young 19 yr old who couldn't run a house.... I needed to prove I was capable. To myself - now I realise, but I didn't see it that way then. I wanted everyone to treat me well - but did I treat myself well?

Self contentment comes from within. When you give yourself value for what you are doing, and realising that even by breathing, you already doing enough. If I were to do it again, I would get regular rest in my years of waiting, regular sleep. I would focus on the important things in my life and let other things drop.

Babies will be born, and they will grow up... time doesn't stop. The baby doesn't say 'well I know mummy's tired so I will go without a drink of milk'... what has to be done, always gets done. And part of this time while we are in waiting, needs to be dedicated to ourselves aswell. When a child unexpectedly gets colic and screams all night... do we worry that things will fall apart...? Even with colic, diarrhea, chickenpox... life still goes on and we end up with 10 year old kids who can look after themselves. They are not scarred for life just because when they were young they got the measles and the house remained a mess for a month....

And when they are older, you will see that life also wouldn't have fallen apart if you had taken time out for that extra nap... an extra 10 mins in the shower.... letting them play and gurgle while you had some time out on the couch.

If life is okay while they are screaming and bawling when they are ill and you are frantically hoovering - life will also be okay if they cry while you take that bath.

If I were to do it again, I would ensure that I treated myself like a queen. I would recognise that I was doing a noble job, raising leaders of the next generation, and I would give myself credit for that. I remember when all of my kids were ill and I took them to the doctor, and she took my arm and gave me a flu jab.... they were only giving it to pensioners at the time. She told me to look after myself, because if I got ill, who would look after the kids and the family? I felt so touched when she did that. I felt I had value... it's because I never gave myself value.

I would also make sure I didn't feel guilty for looking after myself... regardless of what those around me said.

How often have I beat myself up over a dirty house just because I felt guilty that i am not coping. Others make unfair comments, not seeing how hard it is, and we internalise these comments, and make them real for us. 'You are such a bad housewife' gets turned into 'I am a bad housewife'... and we did that ourselves.

The world didn't fall apart when we had 3, 4, 5, or 6 kids in a row... and the world isn't going to fall apart if we add some mummy-time to that aswell. The world never ever fell apart before. And it isn't about to now.

Life goes on, and so does self care. Its how much importance you place on yourself that makes the difference in the quality of your life.

Look after yourselves, my precious sisters. When you are old grannies knitting sweaters for your grandchildren, you will understand that the extra hour a day that you could have spent looking after your mind, body and soul, would have made the ride so much more beautiful and enriched. Life is a bed of roses, if only you make it that way.

You are women who are nurturing the leaders of the righteous, and God will provide you with everything you need. Surrender to that, and receive it from Him.

Just my morning musing... back to the housework, laundry, and cooking.

Sex on the Wedding Night – Do I have to?

2009-09-28T08:20:00.000+01:00

In the eastern culture, where premarital relations are not encouraged, and perhaps even forbidden, the ‘wedding night’ often comes with a lot of tension. A lot of women wonder if they ‘have’ to have a physical connection on that particular night, and if consummation is really necessary.

From the western perspective, a couple would go out and get to know one another before they felt a connection, and sexual intimacy would be the next gradual step. In the East, however, this is foreign, and getting married means that not only are you going to spend the rest of your lives together, and start a new journey together, but also that you are now ready to have sex.

Laura Doyle, in The Surrendered Single says that when your boyfriend tries to kiss you on the first date, then do not decline him, and kiss him back. If you do not, you are letting him know that you are not romantically interested in him, and you may not have a very long relationship with your date.

The Surrendered Wife also talks about sex being a gift – and if you deny your man sex when he has made himself so vulnerable to you, you are not only rejecting his gift to you, but you are also rejecting him. Not only will this hurt his masculine pride, but also it will cause him to withdraw and refrain from making further advances.

So, if you are planning on getting married, you would do well to prepare yourself to receive his gifts, take plenty of time relaxing and pampering yourself, and be open and vulnerable to share this connection together. The start of a beautiful future, beginning with an intimate connection.

When Queen's Ride By

2009-09-21T08:32:00.001+01:00

http://lifeasafascinatingwoman.blogspot.com/2009/06/when-queens-ride-by.html

I read this beautiful story today in Cynthia Berenger's blog.

It is a short story about a woman who runs a farm with her husband, who is so bitter, exhausted and disillusioned and then her life is transformed by an unexpected visitor who shows her a new perspective. A must read for all overworked and worn-out women.

Cynthia is a Fascinating Womanhood Teacher and leads women through a thorough representation of Helen Andelin's teachings. Her webiste is www.fwclass.com

Save That Special Tone Of Voice... For Him

2009-09-07T08:33:00.004+01:00

The other day I phoned a friend to speak to her. Her husband picked up the phone, and we exchanged some polite pleasantries – asking about the kids, work, etc. After that, I asked to speak to my friend, so he gave her a shout... ‘Laila!’ he hollered to his wife. There was no reply. ‘Laila?’ he shouted impatiently. There was no reply. ‘LAILA!’ he growled at the top of his angrily, as if he was thinking ‘What is she, deaf? Where is she, dead?’. To which I finally heard a loud ‘HUH?’.

It was Laila. I tried to stop myself from smiling. So her husband shouted ‘Phone!’, I guess she didn't hear because she shouted in a snappy tone ‘WHAT??!’ and he then roared like a lion ‘PHONE!!!!!’. ‘O-KAAAAAAAY!!’ she yelled back loudly, and walked over to the phone, picked it up, and said sweetly and beautifully, ‘Hello?’

Lets speak nicely with one another, giving each other the same respect we give our friends?

Emasculated Muslim Men and the Feminist Hijabi

2009-08-31T08:31:00.005+01:00

By loolt
Taking Virutally To Myself
http://loolt.wordpress.com/

On Friday the 10th of July I attended the Islamic Circles panel discussion on “Emasculated Muslim Men and the Feminist Hijabi”. The event was introduced by the chair (whose name I did not catch) by mentioning (and slightly mistranslating) the verse from the holy Quran, which states that the men are the ‘maintainers and protectors’ of women, and that they are ‘preferred’ because of what they spent from their wealth. However, women have become victims of the worst forms of oppression:

'and yet it is Muslim women who are often at the receiving end of some of the worst abuse and oppression that is taking place today.'

On the other hand, he continued to say, there appears to be an increase in ‘emasculated’ men, and questions whether they are now at the financial ‘mercy’ of women? I think it is funny that when a man is financially reliant on a woman he is considered at her mercy, but if she were reliant on him she is considered ‘looked after’, and in Arabic she would be moazzazi i.e. cared for. The chair has three daughters of his own, and through his own community involvement had noticed that women are the ones responsible for 80% of all the real work in these events. The Muslim men often lacked chivalry, were inactive, and he actually called them ‘useless’. So he posits, is feminism at fault? The chair was affable, likeable and had some interesting points, but I did not follow the argument from ‘men are useless’ to ‘could it be women’s fault’.

The first speaker was Sarah Malik, a (deep breath) ‘Surrendered Wife Trainer’. My first reaction to this area of expertise was ‘what are they dogs’ and half expected her to turn up in brogues with chocolate digestives stuffed down her pocket, carrying a whip. She didn’t, she was actually very sweet, but let us not be distracted away from her job description ‘surrendered wife trainer’. This seems to be an American movement, and the all knowing wikipedia lists the beliefs of the “Surrendered Wives” movement as (italics are my personal contribution):

1. a wife relinquishes control of her husband’s life (understandable, I would not want to be controlled).
2. she respects his decisions for his life (again, respect is good)
3. she practices good self-care; she does at least three things a day for her own enjoyment. (Happy to do that).
4. she also practices receiving compliments and gifts graciously. (is polite and well mannered)
5. she practices expressing gratitude; thanking her husband for the things he does. (see above)
6. a surrendered wife is not afraid to show her vulnerability and take the feminine approach. (not sure I like defining feminity as such…)

Not so bad huh? Is common sense, which made me object even more to the title ’surrendered wife’ as it implies that women are rude and boorish and must surrender to something to give up their awful ways and become well mannered people. But again I digress, back to Sarah. She started by stating that feminism had given women many advantages, and acknowledged that 1400 years ago Islam had also given Women many rights (protection from abuse. the right to inherent etc.). Over the years, the East had picked up some Western customs, women became shunned if they got divorced, they did not receive education and so on. I admit I was confused by this, being an Arab Western influence is very recent, but Sarah Malik appeared to be of Pakistani descent, and the Indian peninsular certainly did receive alot more western influence alot earlier on ‘thanks’ to the British Empire. But I simply could have misheard! Feminism, she said, did a great job reclaiming rights for women. It gave women support, a voice, refuge, acceptance in society and the ability to choose a career.

She then started talking about the immigrant communities in the UK. When the previous generation emigrated to the UK, they faced many problems. The loss of extended family and sense of community was very stressful. Girls were encouraged to work by their mothers because according to them men were useless. This sort of upbringing resulted in highly independent, fiery women, who maybe didn’t have that much respect for men. Boys also were pushed to develop their careers, and in the process lost out on the family experience, and became rather rubbish around the home. OK, I cant to relate to any of this, and it is clearly culture focused.. I am especially not sold on the theory that mothers tell their daughters men are useless!

‘The Media’ cropped up (as it is wont to at such events), and its the negative portrayal of Muslims. This has driven Hijabis to become very focused on preserving their rights and showing the world how emancipated they are. This is something I do relate to, however due to the lack of media attention to Muslim women while I was growing up, or where I grew up, I cannot blame the media for my attitude. I think it had more to do with me growing up at a time when Arab nationalism was declining, and enlightenment on the teachings of Islam were on the rise. Since the Arab Culture is often incompatible with ones rights in Islam, I did become rather hell bent on preserving my rights as a Muslim woman. She then said that Men had complied (due to this Media pressure I guess), given women their rights, and for some unfathomable reason abandoned their duties towards women!

Sarah then declared to us that ‘Men too have rights’, aww bless them, the weaker stronger sex is having their rights stripped away! I couldn’t help that sarcastic comment there.. back on topic. Men, said Sarah, have a right to admiration, respect, and sex, in the sense that men should not be vilified and called ‘animals’ for having a sex drive ‘, fair enough I say. Men ‘have feelings too’, a statement which amused me since I actually do fall into the trap of dismissing the fact that men have feelings. However these needs are not often met by women, who in fairness were too exhausted to comply. This is due to the mother effect (there we go blaming women for the deficiencies of men ), men are often over-mothered and end up entering the marital home with scarce little life skills, which women have in abundance. The weak man then ends up shirking his responsibilities and depends on others to do his job for him e.g. his wife. She cited the example of the husbands who don’t bother to pay the electricity bill and their families end up suddenly without electricity.

We were then introduced to the phenomena of the (Single White Female) Single Female Feminist Hijabi who are characterised by:

* Men not meeting their expectations.
* Scare men off with their ‘masculine ways’ (seriously I never classed men as wimpy)
* Masculine (rubbish!, never came across someone like that!)
* Ends up with a submissive male

and then to the Emasculated Muslim Man who as a consequence of his dealings with the Single Female Feminist Hijabi:

*looses his aspirations
*looses his willingness to help
*ceases to be attracted to her

Now, I am not sure what to make of this. Why is it problematic that women preserve, and fight for, their rights? Why would this result in the decreasing contribution of men to the society/marital home? Are the women preventing their husbands from doing their duty? Are they denying them their rights as husbands? I find it all a bit hard to swallow..

The next speaker was Susie Heath author of “The Essence of Womanhood- Re awakening the authentic feminine” and relationship coach with many years experience. Susie feels that there is a serious imbalance in relationships these days. Many business women came to her for help, they were quite masculine (with deep voices) and were a bit frightening, complaining that their husbands were no longer attracted to them ‘the idiots’, and the husbands would come ‘dripping in’ whining about their tough wives.

Susie believes that once a couple aim for an ‘equal’ relationship that said relationship was doomed, because we ‘are not equal, we are different’. She then apologised to the men in the audience for ’stealing their power’, and said that we ‘had dishonoured ourselves as women’. She is grateful to the feminist movement, but does not view women as being 50% male and 50% female, and it is problematic that women try to emulate (agree) and overtake (disagree) men. That due to their taking on more and more work, and enduring more stress, women were producing more testosterone, that their bodies are not equipped to handle (aren’t they?) and hence they are wrecking their adrenal glands. But what can women do? when men don’t step up to the job, when they cease to honour their responsibilities, like keeping his family safe by say locking up at night, then women end up doing it, becoming more controlling, and compounding the emasculation of their husband. Susie recommends men step up and women take a step back. Not in an evolutionary sense or in the sense of giving anything up, but in the sense of allowing him to do something, to cease to take all the responsibilities on her shoulders.

Susie was really the only panel member to define feminine traits, describing the feminine as ‘beautiful, soft and creative’. I admit my notes are a bit disjointed, I am not sure whether this next point is related to the previous one, because she goes on to say that we have to accept that someone has to make the decisions, and if it is not the man, then it is the woman. She objected to the portrayal of too much female flesh in the media (cant escape the media), because ‘it takes away a sacred part of women’ parts that we don’t want to share with all men. I thought it was nicely put.

It isn’t all pink and fluffy though, Susie firmly believes that women are very competent, but they need to be able to feel safe with men, and only then will they feel nurtured and cared for, and she hopes for the day when cherishment and chivalry return. Her plan? Thank, acknowledge and admire men, and then they will step up (in my notes I had written: are we being held responsible for THEIR behaviour again!!!). She said that the more women do, the more they take on financially the less men have to do, and we should change this.. hey I am all for handing over financial responsibility, and totally agree with her on this point… we wouldn’t want men to feel unneeded would we

Finally, the only male member of the panel! Imam Shahnoaz Haque, a Psychotherapist, Teacher and Khatib (sort of like a preacher). The Imaam conducted a mini survey of the audience, asking people to state one property that they consider to be ‘feminine’ and one that they consider to be ‘masculine’. One lady objected saying she was uncomfortable with such classifications, and I agreed with her. But the man was driving at something, he ended up with the following (rough) list:

Male strong, decisive, powerful, confident, trustworthy, protective

Female gentle, playful, shy, compassionate, caring, classy, emotional, clean/hygienic, soft.

Then by giving examples from the life of the Prophet Mohammed, he showed that he (the Prophet -PBUH-) exhibited all these qualities, the feminine and the masculine. I think that he was confusing the word hayaa’ with shy, but it is more closely related to the word humility. His point was that it is a mute point to discuss the ‘feminine’ traits and the ‘masculine’ traits as if they were mutually exclusive to their respective genders, because the Prophet -PBUH- was known for both.

He concluded by saying that if feminism meant standing up for rights, then all hijabis should be feminists.

Restoring Lost Dignity

2009-08-24T08:40:00.002+01:00

Many women have come to me saying their husbands treat them like dirt... a whole plethora of disgusting actions... name calling, shoving, even.. spitting! Sigh. Dear ladies, take heart. He may be hurting you right now, but surrendering to the fact that you can only change yourself can probably help you....

So, am I saying you should just give in and let him treat you that way? Not at all! As a woman and a human being, you have as much self-worth as the person next to you, and never give up that right.

A surrendered wife admits when she has been hurt. She lets her hurt and sadness show, and doesn’t keep it bottled in. She doesn’t try to keep it nice, by ignoring it and brushing it under the carpet, for if she does, eventually there will be so much gunk under there, that one day she will erupt and become a foul mouthed angry woman who has decided she is going to give as good as she gets! Female venom! The fury of a woman scorned!!! And the poor husband will be left licking his wounds... preparing for round two.

So, what does she do when her husband taunts her, jibes her and treats her like dirt? She tells him plain and simply, that she is really hurt. That she doesn’t accept to be treated this way. And she walks away.

And what does she do when she walks away? Retreats to her bedroom defeated, and cries endless tears, drenching her pillow? Walks around moping and giving her husband the silent treatment, feeling utterly rejected?

No. She busies herself with self-care. She does things that she likes to do. She fills up her other love tanks. She makes sure she works on all the other areas of her life: and she reminds herself that her husband is not the centre of her universe.

If you surrender to the fact that you can still be happy, even if your husband chooses to be foul mouthed and bitter, you send out a very strong message. That you have dignity and won't silently endure his behaviour (i.e. you let him know plain and clear that you are hurt) and that if he chooses to be nasty, then you can have fun without him! Go run a bath, phone your sister or a friend, go round and visit someone. Don't give him the silent treatment, but be sure to stay a bit on the quiet side when you are around him for the next few days... let him know that you have been hurt, and your sparkly liveliness is not for him, and is now being directed on: you. Approach all other areas of your life with happiness and gratitude, and enjoy every moment of it; and when he is around... just stay a bit quiet.... he’ll get the message.

Once a woman stops focussing on her husband and starts focussing on her own self-care, something amazing happens. She starts to shine. She starts to feel fresh. She has a bounce to her step. She can sit in a reverie about all sorts of wonderful things... the wooden chest she is refurbishing, the new dress she has started to sew, the magazine she has bought which has the perfect picture for her scrap-book.... And she radiates peace within her which will make a nasty man transform into a mope. It will force him to question why he is such a bully... why he behaves in such a pathetic way. Especially when you are having so much fun on... your side of the party.

Go on ladies, tackle the problem head on, the feminine way – restore the dignity that you have lost. I know you can do it.

Note: This article has been written for women whose husbands possess plain old nasty characteristics, and is not intended for women whose husbands are physically abusive to them.

Have you turned your man into a hermaphrodite?

2009-08-17T08:36:00.004+01:00

No longer sure of their role, "egalitarian" men have been left straddling the gender divide and are becoming male-female hybrids, says Judith Woods.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/lifestyle/5978268/Have-you-turned-your-man-into-a-hermaphrodite.html

"Some women have become ball-breakers," says Francine Kaye, known professionally as The Divorce Doctor, with an eponymous website. "It's not entirely our fault, because the demands of the workplace have changed us, and brought out our more masculine side. But unfortunately we're taking that home with us every evening into the domestic sphere, and often bullying our men into submission."

Mrs. Hopeless just can't.... or can she?

2009-07-27T08:21:00.002+01:00

Mrs. Hopeless was busy cooking one morning whilst her baby was asleep and the other children were at school. She was excited because she was going to meet her friend for lunch at a cafe!

As she mentally checked off all her chores as she completed them, she went upstairs to iron her pretty outfit, so she could shower and leave in the next half hour - nice, fresh and on time.

As she was about to go to the shower, Mr. Husband popped his head round the door and told her that he urgently needed her to fill in some forms so he could take them to the bank. She always filled in all his forms - ever since they got married - he never managed to fill them in correctly, for some reason.

'Oh dear, darling, I'm sorry, I really can't, I'm getting ready to go out with my friend; she is expecting me.' Mr. Husband did his best to try and persuade her, and she tried very hard to explain how important it was to her that she go out.

Unfortunately, Mr. Husband just didn't see her perspective. He started complaining, 'I have to work so hard, and I rely on you to do my paperwork!'

Mrs. Hopeless was miserable. Her good for nothing husband! Although she really did love him, and they hardly ever fought... why did he never have the motivation to do anything?

He always relied on her to do everything. Pay the bills, fill out the forms, fix him snacks at midnight while she was struggling with the baby. Sigh - why was life so hard?

Mrs. Hopeless decided to reason with him intellectually 'Look, dear, I can't do it today, I'm sorry. Why can't you?' to which he got very annoyed, and started to grumble about all the things he still had to do, and how she had such an 'easy life'.

Mrs. Hopeless started to get terribly upset. Her pulse started to quicken, as she felt guilty about visiting her friend, and indulging in a cafe lunch while her husband worked so hard. But hang on! She worked hard too! She started to point out all the ways that she worked equally as hard as he did, with the housework, the children, the cooking and shopping! She hasn't been out in months! 'I feel worn down and suffocated!' she sobbed to him.

Mr. Husband was terribly confused. He knew his wife was perfectly capable, and he didn't really trust himself filling in those passport forms, and besides, she had much better handwriting that he did. But why did she act so upset when he asked her to sort it out for her? She was so capable - women are incredibly good at multitasking - aren't they? Yet here she was, sniffling away! He decided to say no more. Perhaps she really couldn't.

Mrs. Hopeless took a deep, long sigh, and asked him where the papers were. He hesitantly handed them to her. She put the towel on the bed and started filling in the forms, which required her to set up the scanner and copy some paperwork. Half an hour later they were all complete; and as she got ready to get into the shower, her baby awoke and started to cry. She still had to change her baby's nappy and get her ready for the journey ahead; so she decided to leave out the shower and get her baby ready instead.

She eventually left for lunch with her grubby house-clothes, taking care to concentrate on her driving whilst her mind raced. She felt miserable. Why was her life so hard?

***

Poor Mrs. Hopeless! All this time, she has been telling her husband that even though she says she can't - she really can. She just needs a bit of persuasion.

Had she told him that she couldn't, and then stayed with that statement - her husband would have started to realise that she had limitations.

Saying 'I cant' would have been a declaration of how she was feeling. Although she initially did make that declaration, she covered it up with a question which caused her husband to get defensive... Instead of just leaving it to 'I can't' she went and added 'why can't you?'.

It doesn't matter why he can't... what matters is that she can't!

Mrs. Hopeless would have an easier life if she stated her own limitations, rather than asking for explanations about Mr. Husbands'. What's more, she made herself (and her husband) feel awful by focusing on how hard her life was - rather than focusing on keeping quiet and being true to her statement of 'I can't.

Prayers and Al Fatiha for Mrs. Hopeless.

Remember - there's no point of saying 'I can't' and then doing it anyway. And when saying 'I can't' - be sure not to throw in the 'why can't you?' grenade.

You can read more about setting and upholding your boundaries and limitations in in The Surrendered Wife, By Laura Doyle.

What Men See in Women

2009-07-13T06:21:00.000+01:00

Surrendering to the Feminine

By Susie Heath, Essence of Womanhood

"Men’s ideas of feminine perfection are different from our ideas. What we admire in women is rarely attractive to men, and yet what we ignore or condemn in other women are sometimes just the characteristics that make her fascinating to men. How blind we are to our own charms!"

"While we’re inclined to appreciate poise, talent, intelligence, cleverness and artistic beauty such as the shape of the face and nose, and of course clothes, men have a different set of values. They appreciate girlishness, tenderness, sweetness and vivacity, and place more importance on a feminine manner, on that sparkle in the eyes, smiles, freshness and radiance."

"So am I saying we need to become simpering, weak and feeble? Not at all! Men don’t want a pathetic specimen that they can push around; they seek women with an inner passion, someone with an inner fire and dignity. A dynamic woman is really attractive because she creates energy which he can feast on. So don’t be cajoled into thinking that femininity translates to weakness. Our feminine side is a force that can conquer all."

Read the rest of the book excerpt here:

http://www.articlesbase.com/self-improvement-articles/surrendering-to-the-feminine-829700.html

Neck Ache - Pilates

2009-07-06T12:50:00.000+01:00

http://www.videojug.com/film/pilates-how-to-prevent-and-relieve-neck-ache-2

Shoulder Lifts - sit on a chair feet flat on the floor, knees together. Let your arms fall to your sides. Repeat the following six times: inhale and lift your shoulders up to your ears. Exhale and let your arms relax again not letting your shoulders roll forwards.

Head Rotations - sitting on the chair, inhale. Exhale as you rotate your neck to one side. Inhale. Exhale as you return your neck to the centre. Inhale. Exhale as you rotate your head to the other side. Inhale. Exhale as you return your head to the centre. Repeat this 4 four more times - 3 times on each side.

Neck Stretch - relax arms to the sides, imagine holding a heavy shopping bag in one hand. Inhale: stay; and as you exhale, tip your neck away from the arm with shopping. Inhale: stay, exhale: return to centre. Now transfer the shopping bag and repeat. Repeat this 4 more times - 3 times on each side.

Chin Nods - rest hands on thighs and look ahead. inhale, and as you exhale, gently lengthen the back of the neck and lower the chin down. Inhale and bring the chin to neutral, and exhale to start it again. Do this 5 times.

I'm am a part of Lost Generation

2009-06-29T08:37:00.000+01:00

This article was suggested by M.S x

Women! Are We Forgetting Who We Are?

2009-06-19T08:28:00.000+01:00

by Susie Heath, The Essence of Womanhood

"Through the turmoil of the last century, at least in the Western world, women have won the battle of recognition, acceptance and toleration, and been allowed input into politics and the running of society. But what we have failed to recognise is the cost to us as feminine beings."

"This battling however has taken its toll in such a subtle way, creeping up on us in ways which are unimaginable.As we women assume masculine burdens we take on male characteristics to fit the job. Thus deprived of femininity and gentleness as our new male responsibility adds stress, strain and worry to our lives, our serenity vanishes and eventually our families suffer."

"We need to assert our feminine energy and intrinsic potency, not our masculine force to make the difference; to continue to develop as the talented, extraordinarily powerful women we have the capability of becoming. We need to do it in a feminine way, using our feminine essence, working from feminine values, not trying to be men in frocks."

Read the rest of the book excerpt here:

http://www.articlesbase.com/self-improvement-articles/are-we-forgetting-who-we-are-808578.html

Inspiring FlyLady Video

2009-06-15T08:33:00.001+01:00

This article was suggested by F.M x

Love After Love

2009-06-12T08:28:00.001+01:00

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Derek Walcott

This article was suggested by F.S x

Dr Laura: Should I Spy On My Teenager?

2009-06-08T08:26:00.000+01:00

Nudges From Life

2009-06-05T06:25:00.000+01:00

by Susie Heath, Essence of Womanhood

"This is Life nudging you to set you on the road you are supposed to be travelling, which may be to improve your relationship, find work that excites and enthrals you, to exercise before you get sick or rest before you collapse."

"Life whispers at first to us, and when we fail to listen, it gets louder and louder until it’s shouting at us. But if we still fail to notice, then sometimes it gives us a very painful and nasty shock indeed before we wake up. This may be the death of someone we love, the diagnosis of a disease or an accident, the end of a relationship or the loss of a job – anything to make us wake up enough to realise that what we are doing is not working, that we have to change the way we are thinking, the way we’re behaving, the way we are living."

Read the rest of the book excerpt here:

http://www.articlesbase.com/self-improvement-articles/nudges-from-life-812268.html

Husband and pornography

2009-06-01T08:29:00.001+01:00

Answered by Wajihah Gregor

Question:

I fear that my husband may have a porno problem. While I was searching for lost files on the computer, I found some disturbing pornographic pictures in the recent documents. I talked to him about it and he got very embarrassed. He said that everything was fine with our sexual relations, but he still went on the internet twice and pleasured himself at the same time. I even think that once I woke up and saw him. He said that mornings are high peaks for him, but that he does not want to wake me. We talked about it but then a month later, I find some more pornographic files.

Answer:
The characters in pornographic shows stimulate the feeling in the casual or compulsive viewer that they are keenly desired and wanted. Although this is perverted atmosphere, the intrinsic need for men to feel desired and wanted can be a totally wholesome feeling in the confines of marriage. If these emotional and physical needs are not being met by their spouse, this may be the initial reason that leads them to watch pornography.

It is a good sign that your husband felt embarrassed and bad when you addressed him about his behaviour. This means his heart is still alive with the notions of right and wrong, so remain committed and steadfast to him in helping him overcome this trial.

Instead of expecting your husband to wake you in the morning, make the effort to rise before him, preparing yourself beautifully for him and scenting the room with beautiful smells. Wake him lovingly, and tell him how much you need and desire him.
Moreover, ask him what are his secret sexual fantasies and do your best to accommodate them. Assure him that you are eager to fulfil his fantasies, so that embarrassment does not prevent him from telling you.

This may feel awkward for you at first, but by satisfying his emotions and fantasies, you will stunt his negative behaviour and will fulfil his needs lawfully.

Your loving effort, and your satisfying commitment, should encourage your husband to stop viewing pornography.

Remember, that by these efforts of yours, you are not only forbidding the wrong, but also commanding the right. This will impact society for the better, and your reward is with Allah Most High.

And Allah Knows Best

Wajihah Gregor

MMVIII © SunniPath.

www.sunnipath.com

Pornography The Marriage Killer and How To Stop It...

2009-05-29T08:25:00.000+01:00

by Tony Vee, www.tonyandnickivee.com

It is often said that pornography is the largest business in the world and it’s easy to see why – sex is highly addictive. The facts are that it’s as highly addictive if not more so than all the other common addictions that can end up running our lives. From smoking to alcohol, and from drugs to gambling, it holds the same prize for the seller as all of the above, gigantic cash rewards and is massively successfully marketed all around us in our everyday world in newspapers, magazines, on TV and of course on the internet.

So the questions are, why is pornography so addictive, what’s the root cause and how, if it’s affecting your life, can you escape its clutches. The answers may just surprise you.

One black American comedian shocked his audience to the core when he said that Bill Clinton’s sexual escapade in the Oval Office with Monica Lewinsky was in fact his wife Hillarie’s fault. Then he backed it up with a reason that, whilst not technically correct, leads us to at least investigate male sexual additions from a new perspective. Now before all women jump in the air and dismiss all claims that their man’s addiction is not their dam fault, hear me out, this article is not about blaming anyone, it’s about understanding what’s going on at a deeper level. And with this understanding, you might, just might, start to find a way that frees your relationship of this scourge...

So let’s consider first, the, ‘why’ men get addicted to porn. The thing is it’s certainly not what it seems on the surface, it’s not plain and simply that men need sex every few minutes as some would have us believe, sex is merely a symptom of the source of the challenge. The source is that every man and woman on this planet is searching for one thing and one thing alone and that’s ‘love’. Deep unconsciously within everyone is the human need to experience love, which if you think about it is a very high energy feeling and would hold hands with other high energy feelings we search for daily such as joy, happiness, fulfilment and even bliss.

The truth is whilst we unconsciously desire to experience these higher energy states, most of us live in a world of stress and unhappiness where we are sold on mass, in every direction you look, many differing ways to feel better about ourselves. This when translated, is us swapping our current low feeling state for a higher feeling state. So I ask you, what do you do to feel better when stressed? Maybe you pop into Starbuck’s and get your fix of coffee, or maybe you visit your local for a beer or glass of wine and of course that’s all socially acceptable, but remember all you are actually doing, all be it unconsciously, is giving yourself a little injection of a drug that lifts your state.

The pornographers have an angle on sales that’s got a very special kick built into it that raises our feeling experience to a huge height. It’s a feeling that’s powerfully addictive yet not as socially acceptable as your fix of coffee, it has an orgasm at the end of it. Orgasm, I guess you will agree, is one of a humans highest feeling experiences, so if I’m correct that all we are all looking for is to experience a higher energy state, an orgasm really dose fit the bill. Yet deep at the core of us all is the search for love, so could it be possible I ask that actually when a man turns to porn for his higher energy feeling, what he really is seeking is love itself.

Now ladies this is where you come in, I always say that unconsciously we are walking around with signs hanging around our necks, these invisible signs are picked up by the opposite sex. Women have three basic invisible unconscious signs, see if you can spot which you might be wearing. ‘Open For Sex’, ‘Closed For Sex’ or ‘Open For Love’. Now if your man is hooked on porn, the most likely sign you have on display is ‘Closed For Sex’. This is not only the wrong sign to be showing your man, it’s the wrong sign for you as well, as you are shutting out any possibility of experiencing what you really want as well, that feeling of love.

The net effect when you are ‘Closed For Sex’ by deliberately withholding it, is that he will be left looking for his fix elsewhere. So where will he go, yes you got it, he will go to a woman that has a sign on saying ‘Open For Sex’ and where can he easily find that, you got it again, pornography! And let’s be honest when you are addicted to something, the draw to need it now is huge and you will get it anyway you can. Think about it, if you are a coffee head, you will do almost anything to get your hands on a cup of coffee, how would it be sex is no different and remember it’s for sale absolutely everywhere plus added to that, it’s upwardly addictive as well. That means that if your man starts by masturbating with a copy of Playboy in his other hand, it won’t be long before he will be wanting the real thing and the western world is awash with prostitutes ready and waiting for your man’s knock on their door.

We have then the why pornography is highly addictive, we also have the root cause, both in essence are because we all are chasing the higher energy feeling in our body of love.

So how exactly can you as a couple escape this demon of an addiction.
Here are five tips for both men and women of what each of you can do to get started.

Solutions For Men

1. Open up to the question of, ‘Am I addicted to sex’, if this is a yes, then that, believe it or not this is the best start for you. Awareness that orgasm is just making you feel better in the moment can help you take some action to look for a better way to meet your needs.

2. Look closely at your relationship with your partner and ask yourself, ‘is this relationship meeting my needs’? If you answer ‘NO’, ask yourself this question. ‘What am I doing that is making my woman withhold her love from me’? Be open to the fact, that you are not a victim of her withholding. How would it be you are creating the experience you are having with her that is making her close down to you intimately?

3. To experience love, you have to give love. What can you do to love your woman, what needs to happen for you to meet her needs so she does open up to you. I expect you did this at the beginning of your relationship, so what did you do then that worked and what could you do right now that would have her move lovingly towards you?

4. It is said that women need compliments like they need water and shoes, are you complimenting her, as this will move her towards you? Are you cherishing her like a princess, if not be ready for the consequences. How could you cherish this woman every day of your life, the results will be worth it? Do you give your woman certainty about yourself and the future with you? If not she will be taking the lead in your relationship and that will just piss you off. Men are born leaders, if you don’t lead she will do the job for you and that is the death nail of many relationships. Step up man and be the leader and expect magic to happen both in life and in the bedroom.

5. Ask for professional help immediately, email Tony & Nicki Vee today on tnv@tonyandnickivee.com or go to www.tonyandnickivee.com and watch the video and listen to the recording on the home page totally free. Then consider what will happen to your relationship if you do nothing about this addiction. Statistically you are most likely, if you are married, to end up going through the physical and emotional nightmare of divorce. Asking for help makes sense and rest assured you will not be judged in any way and our service is fully confidential.

Solutions For Women

1. Be truthful with yourself, are you in anyway withholding love from your man? If this is a ‘YES’, remember all humans are seeking is love, what needs to happen for you to really share your love with him? Change your unconscious sign from ‘Closed For Sex’ to ‘Open For Love’.

2. Are you judging him or being superior in any way to him or even blaming him for his actions. If ‘YES’ to any of the above then ‘Stop IT’. Look for what’s really going on, as you are actually, even if unconsciously, making him move away from you in an unhealthy way.

3. Does he do anything at all that you hate? Have you told him you hate it? If ‘YES’ then stop telling him. The simple fact is and ask any man if this is true, when a woman tells a man what to do, what he most likely will do is the opposite. Worse still if he does it to please you, this will move you further apart as well. Pleasing leaves you thinking he is weak and he will resent the fact he is doing what you tell him to do. The trick here is acknowledge what he does that’s great and tell him why you love and appreciate the way what he does makes you feel. Then put your man on a pedestal, tell him why he is the best man in the world. Do this constantly and be ‘Open To Love’ and it won’t be long before your man no longer needs his porn fix!

4. Remember love is about giving, not taking, trying to get or withholding, what could you give that he loves? The trick here is to give unconditionally and not to be attached to any outcome, as that would be ‘trying to get’. Just give and be open to things magically changing.

5. Ask for professional help immediately. Tips are great and of course there is so much more to it than a good tip. Tony & Nicki Vee are renowned experts that get incredible results by helping couples understand and meet each other’s needs at the highest level.

Mail tnv@tonyandnickivee.com or watch a free video and listen to a free recording at www.tonyandnickivee.com then fill in the form and we will connect with you real fast so you start to experience the loving relationship you really want. Our services are totally confidential.

Tony Vee

The Balance of Yin and Yang

2009-05-25T06:09:00.000+01:00

By Susie Heath, Essence of Womanhood

"This ancient Chinese Tai-chi symbol from the Taoist tradition represents the balance of male and female energy. Yin is the female energy - the dark, hidden, internal, just as our sexual organs are hidden away. Yang is the male energy - the light, warm, visible, the external, just as his sexual organs are outside and visible. Yin is empty, secret and cold wanting to be filled and is represented by the earth; Yang is hot, full of passion and is represented by the sun."

"Problems arise when we overdevelop one set of energies that is not our true essence, and under-develop the other; the dynamic gets distorted and it harms us at a very deep level. So when we take on the same energy as a man, we lose that intimacy, passion, desire, tenderness and creativity in our personal relationships"

Read the rest of the book excerpt here:

http://www.articlesbase.com/self-improvement-articles/the-balance-of-yin-and-yang-819982.html

The Pauline Marriage

2009-05-22T08:07:00.000+01:00

by Francis Clare Fischer

"I am a Christian and a plain Quaker. As such, I wear a prayer cap. It is a precious reminder of Paul's call that we pray always and as a woman Paul asks, in my understanding, that I cover my head in prayer. It is also a reminder of a more controversial request of Paul. Paul asks that women cover their heads as a sign of obedience to their husbands.

"What I have found is that Paul's simple prescription for marriage has healed and brought great joy to my own marriage and that of others I have known. Paul asked husbands, first and foremost, to love their wives as Christ did the Church. Now we know that there is no greater or more unconditional love than this. Then he said, in effect, "Women, this is what a Christian husband is. Be obedient to him." That is very different than the sense one is so often given of Paul's request. Over a long and sad history, Paul's brilliant request has become twisted and made a justification for women's obedience to a domestic tyrant. Nothing could be more unlike the requirements of a Pauline marriage. In fact, I say that Paul's request is brilliant, because it creates a situation where neither man nor woman can become tyrannical. It creates a situation where love is necessary."

Read the rest of this article here:
http://www.michiganquakers.org/pauline_marriage.htm

This article was suggested by S.S x

Lower Back Ache Pilates

2009-05-18T08:25:00.000+01:00

http://www.videojug.com/film/pilates-how-to-prevent-and-relieve-lower-backache

Breathing - Lie down with you legs bent and feet hip distance apart, 6 deep breaths

Pelvic tilts - Inhale, and when you exhale, tilt the pelvis towards you. 6 deep breaths & tilts

Leg lifts - Flatten lower back into floor. i)Inhale. ii) Exhale as you gently lift one foot up. iii) Inhale as you lift the other foot up. iv) Exhale as you put one foot down, v) Inhale as you put the other foot down, vi) Exhale to relax. Repeat 3 times.

Hamstring stretch - Sit on a balance ball, push hips back and stretch legs out, rest hand on thighs. Keep neck aligned, bend forward with your hands on your legs 3 deep breaths. flex feet back and hold for another three breaths. sit back straight.

Back Stretch, Backwards: Sat on a balance ball, legs bent, walk feet out a bit further, put hands behind head, tilt pelvis forwards and curl the spine down over the ball, relaxing neck to finish. Take three deep breaths, relaxing more as you breath out. Return to sitting.

Back Stretch, Forwards: Kneel over the ball and fold yourself over it, relaxing your arms and extending your legs, stay for 3 deep breathes. Roll back up to kneeling.

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

2009-05-15T06:17:00.000+01:00

by Susie Heath, Essence of Womanhood

"You and I know that a woman can do virtually anything a man can do, but it’s not sustainable for very long, or at the same level. Designed in different ways, we have smaller hands, smaller frames and differently wired brains."

"Generally we are suited to different labour than men. We can’t work equally because our hormones dictate that we need to rest more. We can produce just as much as men, but how much better if we do it in our own special way, sharing labour with each of us doing what we are most suited to according to our capabilities and talents?"

Read the rest of the book excerpt here:
http://www.articlesbase.com/self-improvement-articles/differences-between-men-and-women-825721.html

Cinderella Was Not Saved - She Was a Happy Person All Along!

2009-05-11T08:03:00.001+01:00

written by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

"Most people who are happy in their marriages were ALREADY HAPPY before meeting their spouse! Happy people make happy marriages. Unhappy people either don't marry or generally continue to be unhappy after getting married.

While Cinderella wasn't happy with her circumstances, inside she was a loving, happy person. And so was the prince. "Happily ever after" is often not the result of getting married, but the result of two basically happy people getting married to each other!

Over and over I hear from my clients: "I need a relationship to be happy." Over and over I say to them, "Focus on learning how to make yourself happy now and then you might find the relationship you are seeking.""

Read the full article here:
http://www.articlesbase.com/self-help-articles/cinderella-was-not-saved-she-was-a-happy-person-all-along-869485.html

Surrendered Wives, Emasculated Men and Defeminised Women

2009-05-06T11:47:00.006+01:00

– Is it just a load of baloney?

Okay, the truth is when people first hear about Surrendered Wives it get’s their back up. After all the success of the modern era, are we supposed to become doormats again? What on earth?!?!

I was the same way. I was told about the book and just never bothered to read it. I know many women who still won’t. The fact is that I did read the book, and went on and took the seminar, and now, Alhamdolillah, I'm a certified trainer.

Well, not all women do need this book– because they are doing what the book says without even realising it. Some women are naturally feminine, just as you get some people who are natural parents without ever having read a book on raising kids. These women let the men wear the trousers in the family, let them have the ultimate say in the way the household is run, and they rely on them for the peace and security that a man brings. Are these women doormats, are they subdued? No! They get angry and upset like the rest of us, and they express that in a healthy manner – with respect. They don't charge at their perceived attacker with verbal punches – they let it out in a feminine manner.

But what about the rest of us, who picked up unhealthy mannerisms along the way? We didn't have great role models. We saw our womenfolk screaming and cursing at their husbands; walking out of the house over money-arguments. We saw them get abused by their husbands, or sometimes the husbands would just keep away and let them do it whichever way they pleased. We learnt early on that a woman only suffered at the hands of a man, that it’s a big bad world out there and you have to learn to fend for yourself. We got our university education just like our mum’s wanted for us... we got our jobs, we got our own money – and at the end of the day – getting a husband was something we checked-off our list when all our perceived security was set in place.

In steps: the man – wanting to exercise his rights as boss of the family, and we resist it. We have our own minds, we can think for ourselves, we have freedom of speech, and we aint gonna let no guy tell us what to do. Who does he think he is, my father? We are equals!

Similarly, some men are naturally masculine. They have been raised well, and grow up to be leaders. They are assertive and can make sound decisions. They are responsible and know that as man, his duty is to provide a safe and secure home for him family. He notices when his wife is overworked and stressed and encourages her to take a break, as he know that she hasn’t got as much endurance as he has and will break easily. He looks out for what she needs and gets it for her, making her life easier. He knows that if she is happy, his kids will have a better home to flourish in. He takes responsibility for the decision-making in his home, and learns from his mistakes.

But what about the rest of the men, whose saw their fathers beat their mothers? Or worse, who saw their mothers beat their fathers. What about the men whose fathers left because they couldn’t handle their wives’ anger and vulgarity? What about the men whose parents spoilt them rotten and didn't ask them to lift a finger whilst growing up... Who taught these guys how to be real men? Who taught them that they needed to put their families first, that they need to work and toil hard? Still, a lot of these men struggled to get good jobs and put food on the table.

Along comes his high achieving wife who knows what is better for him. She doesn’t think he is saving enough, she knows that if he is a bit more ambitious, he can get that promotion. She tells him what to do, and expresses her dismay when he does not do as her bidding. She lets him know what she wants done in the house, and she tells him exactly how he should do it. She knows best, her mum knew what was best, and men, remember, cannot be relied on to get anything right. Her husband starts to argue back. Of course, he knows how to manage the bank account, speak correctly on the phone, climb a ladder without falling off! He’s no dimwit! Yet the wife knows she is right and will continue to insist on him seeing it her way. They start to bicker and fight. He wonders whatever happened to the smart woman he married? She has turned into an over-controlling nag!

Crossroads;

He can now do one of two things.

He can leave her to it and let her do things her way. If she knows what’s best, then let’s keep the peace and agree. He subdues his own masculine power and lets her do the initiating, the problem solving. She goes on and finds the best way to pay the bills, manage the house, arranges the builders and plumbers to sort out the house. He feel like a spare tyre, a work horse, and withdraws. When asked to help around the house, he does it half-heartedly and gets often gets it wrong. He stops telling the kids how to behave because she always corrects him when he does. The Emasculated Man.
He fights with her until he has quietened her down and subdues her spirit. She retaliates and he loses his temper. He gets violent and starts to curse at her. He will not let go of his masculinity, whatever the cost. The Dictator-Aggressive Man

She can now do one of two things:

She can do it all herself – after all, he messes up anything he touches. If he is left to buy something for the house, he will get something too expensive, too bold, too modern, so it’s best to just do things yourself. He doesn’t pull through by getting that promotion, so she puts on those proverbial trousers and goes back to work to earn the extra money she knows that they will be more comfortable with. This all comes at a cost to her – she is worn out, irritable, and if her buttons are pushed, she will attack! She never knew what it was like to sit back and enjoy, to have a man slay her dragons for her. The Defeminised Woman.
She can start to respect him for the man that he is. She can start to trust him, and be happy with what he is already doing, not what she wants him to do. She can learn to respect her own limits and rest when she needs to, as she knows that when she is happy, the whole family is happy. The Surrendered Wife.

Mrs Hopeless Secretly Complains To Others

2009-05-04T08:35:00.003+01:00

Mrs. Hopeless was very excited! Her husband has told her that he was going to redecorate the living room for her over the weekend. She had waited for so long for her favourite room to get wallpapered, and was so excited as she imagined how nice it would all look and at the amount of money they would save buy doing it themselves. She was delighted that Mr. Husband had taken the initiate to do it himself – wasn't this the ultimate way of declaring his love for her, going through so much effort just to please her?

On Friday morning, Mr. Husband rang her from work, telling her to start emptying the living room furniture, and to get the decorating stuff out from the garage as he had called a decorator in Saturday morning to do the job instead. The local handy man had phoned that morning asking if he had any jobs for him, and Mr. Husband declared that actually, yes there was! In this way, Mr. Husband felt he was giving the perfect gift to his wife – a no-fuss and quick decorating job of her favourite room. Mrs. Hopeless was terribly disappointed that he would not be doing it himself but tried to be as gracious and respectful as possible and squeaked out "lovely dear, great plan! I'll go and get the room prepared."

Later on in the day, her father in law stopped by and asked her what she was doing. When she let him know that a decorator was coming the next day, her father in law started to grumble. "Why can't he do it himself? I always did all my decorating myself! That son of mine is so lazy..." Mrs. Hopeless grabbed the opportunity and gushed, "I know, it would be far better to do it ourselves, but he just wants to do it himself!" and then as she thought out a fool-proof plan, added, "Dad, why don't you give him a call and suggest that he cancels the decorator, and we all do it ourselves?" Her father in law thought that was a very wise plan, and immediately picked up the phone.

As he started to speak to his son, a wave of guilt and panic washed over Mrs. Hopeless as she thought of the scenario at hand... what if her father in law told her husband that he thought it was best if they didn't get a decorator over and instead did the job themselves – and added "and what's more, your wife here agrees with me!" She thought of whispering to her father in law not to mention her name, and stopped dead in her tracks. At that moment, she realised how awful she had been. She had been so supportive of her husband's decision to his face, but had put his decision down in front of his father. This was not respect, this was sneaky and conniving.

Thankfully, her father in law did not mention her name that day, and her husband did not change his mind about the decorator. By the end of the weekend, the living room was all decorated and there weren't any decorating tools in sight. The couple sat together in the living room and read magazines together in their favourite sofa and all was well in the world.

Mrs. Hopeless felt so grateful that the whole scenario had ended so well, yet shuddered at the thought of what could have happened. She realised that to be a respectful wife means to respect her husband's decisions not only in front of him but in front of other people too. If he had found out that his supportive wife was speaking badly of him to other people, he would have been extremely hurt and in future would not be open about trying out new things, nor would he be so eager to please her.

Prayers and Al Fatiha for Mrs. Hopeless.

You can read more about respecting husbands in The Surrendered Wife, by Laura Doyle.

Tony and Nicki Vee, The Relationship Experts.

2009-05-01T08:20:00.004+01:00

http://www.tonyandnickivee.com/

UK relationship experts, Tony and Nicki Vee offer coaching for couples all around the world. They have a fabulous website (which is currently being redesigned) where you can access their videos and articles. Tony and Nicki provide a great insight into what makes a successful marriage – and what doesn’t;

Check them out here:

Does Getting Angry Make You Angrier?

2009-04-27T08:06:00.001+01:00

Article from http://www.npr.org/

But should angry people act out how they feel? The popular idea is that venting your anger helps get rid of it. There's even a woman in San Diego who makes money helping people do that. But now, psychologists are saying that venting does more harm than good.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=102344514

Men Behaving Badly?

2009-04-24T08:50:00.000+01:00

Dr Laura, "Woman Power"

So many women in society bully their menfolk as though they were disobedient naughty boys instead of respect-worthy men whom women want and need. The result? Men behaving badly and the women complain even more...

Finance, Vulnerability & Working Women

2009-04-20T08:44:00.002+01:00

'So what's a woman to do in times of a financial crisis?'

In times of financial crisis, the underlying fear could be of being stranded without a roof of ones head, money to buy food, basic necessities, providing for your children, etc.

Instead of being afraid that these necessities may not get provided, we intuitively worry about our spouses - 'will they step up to the plate and provide for us?' As children, when were were frightened, we ran and took shelter under our parents arms, turned to them for help... but as adults, instead of continuing this vulnerable behavior, we start to analyse the situation, and the capabilities of our primary caregiver - our spouse.

Another underlying fear could be of uncertainty of what the future will bring, or if you are working yourself: exhaustion with resentment - 'why isn't he earning enough - why do I have to bring in the bulk of the money?' Instead of taking these raw fears of ours to our spouse, we again start to analyse the situation, put our thinking caps on, mull over possible solutions... and we start to judge our most intimate other half. :(

Perhaps a better way to approach would be to take your specific concerns to your spouse and express how you "feel". Once you get the hang of telling them how you feel (which is in itself a very vulnerable feeling) you will eventually master the art of expressing your fears without offending him or hurting his male pride.

If you work, or are the primary breadwinner in the family, try to remember the fact that the resenting/judging can happen whether you work or not. If you love the job that you do, ask yourself if you were not married/in a relationship, would you still be exhausted and bitter with the amount of work you have to do? We often find our work quite rewarding, regardless of how tough it is.

Which boils down to the question: are you working because you enjoy what you do, and it is a part of who you are, or are you working because he is not providing for you? If you enjoy what you do, then great! Go for it! If it isn't, and you are worried about insecurity, exhaustion and resentment, then try to express these desires to him... let him see the real you!

Unfortunately, women mask their raw fears from their men with sarcasm, anger and resentment, whilst if they would only let their soft, vulnerable side show, their men would find that quality much more endearing. Which man wouldn't want to rescue his damsel by fighting off her demons for her?

Ustadah Zahida: Physical Abuse Has Equal Blame

2009-04-17T08:44:00.001+01:00

When one person is physically abusing someone else, both parties are to blame.

The Abuser is a perpetrator - as he/she has no right to exert violence on another

The Victim is a perpetrator - as he/she has the duty to protect the body they inhabit - strike back, retaliate, leave, get help, call the police. They must not under any circumstances accept the violence, as this will be saying that "it is okay for you do this, I allow you."

Email Me Interesting Articles and Links

2009-04-14T12:24:00.006+01:00

It's delightful when my readers post me articles & links that they think would be appropriate to publish in Inspirity Surrenders. If you come across anything, please do email me at sara@malik5.com

Relationship Advice: Is It Possible To Love Too Much?

2009-04-13T08:04:00.005+01:00

From Tony & Nicki Vee's Relationship Blog
Visit their website: http://www.tonyandnickivee.com/

"You can spot 'Women Who Love Too much' because they always have a partner who has problems. Maybe he has addictions, or he has mood swings or habits that he 'can't help'. He is always sorry when he has been difficult, aggressive, silent or he has huge problems at work again. She always lets it go, puts him first, walks on egg shells, until the next time.

All her conversations are about his challenges, how he can be so fantastic and what can she do to help him when he isn't? How can she understand his problems more so that she can 'make him better'? All the magazines and books she reads are so that she can find things that may help his situation."

Read Full Article Here

The Essence of Womanhood, by Susie Heath

2009-04-06T08:51:00.004+01:00

Re-awakening the authentic feminine...

The Essence of Womanhood, by UK author Susie Heath, is a fabulous book which explains everything you need to know about being a woman... From lost femininity to recognising excessive masculine energies in our bodies. Learn to love your body, have others love you for your feminine essence, and ultimately learn to let go of your limiting beliefs and acquiring new empowering values. Susie is a psychotherapist, life & relationshipship coach and offers coaching & dance workshops. Visit her website at: http://www.essenceofwomanhood.com/

Susie provides some great insights into her works in the following interview by Martin Nathanael (republished with kind permission)

The Awakening Revue, No. 9, January 2009
Journal of The Awakening Foundation
www.awakeningfoundation.com

Martin: Susie, reading your book “The Essence of Womanhood” has triggered a number of questions which I hope you will answer for me. It’s clear that a substantial aim of your book is to help women let go of levels of conditioning which prevent them from enjoying life expressing their authentic feminine nature. How does your approach differ from the feminism of recent decades whose aim was the liberation of women? (You do say in your book that “feminism kills the spirit of femininity”.)

Susie: Yes, I’ve noticed over the last few years particularly that femin-ism seems to have gone too far. Even Germaine Greer is admitting that it’s just gone beyond what it was designed to do. It was designed to get women into the workplace in a way where they were able to take responsibility and not be under the thumb of businesses trad-itionally run in a more masculine way. But it’s over-stepped the mark. The bra-burning of the 60’s was fine, but since then women have just got tougher and tougher.

The culture now seems to have gone so away from any tuning in with our bodies, with our spirit, with just the whole way we live. You see it in the media, you see it with the lad-ettes - the girls who are swilling beer and out all night. There doesn’t seem to be any depth and passion and compassion and that whole loving nature seems to have disappeared. And women are suffering, and I don’t think they realize how much they are suffering.
It’s very noticeable in cities and not just in this country. I did research in Singapore and in Sydney and talking to women there, the stress culture has become so strong in business. Women are wearing pin-striped trouser suits and having illnesses the way men traditionally did. And there’s a lot of testosterone being produced in women now, it’s affecting everything – it affects our adrenal glands, they completely get messed up. So medically we’re talking about a prob-lem as well, it’s not just a social problem Feminism was very useful in its time, it’s opened women to a much greater level of freedom – but it has gone too far.

Martin: How can women be relieved of the beliefs and thoughts which make them go down that road, which somehow entice them down this road of trying to be pseudo-men?

Susie: This masculine behaviour happens particularly in business, and I see women quite aggressive, not just within their own role, but very aggressive to other women.

I give talks to women in business who turn up in their pin-stripe trouser suits complete with waistcoat to match - and you can see by their energy and the vibration that they’re giving out that they’re not really being themselves. They’ve put on a mask – it shows in the way they walk, the way they stand and their voice just gets very powerful, sharp and over dramatic!

I was giving a talk in Mayfair a few weeks ago to a women’s business lunch, and when I started to talk you could palpably feel the energy completely shift, and within twenty minutes these women relaxed, they looked so relieved, there were a lot of tears, and their faces changed from being really hard, and aggressive, and resistant, and protective, to being gentle, and soft, and, you know, they looked so much more beautiful. But relief, Martin, that somebody had given them permission. I think that’s why.

Martin: What you’ve described is you being there as a role model and the women actually seeing that role model, and saying, “Hey, what am I missing?” Is that right?

Susie: Yes. But there’s also a fear that’s inbuilt. Some women have been brought up with the idea that they have to be totally self-sufficient, strong and powerful. And we have this word “empowerment of women”. And to me, that’s a misnomer. I’m very aware now of the language that we use and the language that women use particularly. Also, a lot of women use many swear words and . . . you know, I’m not being prissy and ridiculous here; it’s just my experience, and yes, I’ve done all this stuff too . . . I used to do the power-dressing, I used to swear like a trooper, I used to smoke like a chimney, and drink like a fish, so it’s not as if I’m coming from some goody-goody point of view; this is my experience, and I’m recognizing now what it was doing to my body; and what it was doing to the men I was with, but also to the young girls, the women, and to my kids. So it was a recognition of “is this working for me?” And it wasn’t.

I did a lot of training and a lot of workshops with some of the well-known American gurus in the personal development field, and a lot of them have a very strong sort of religious and spiritual understanding. But as men they were very powerful and forceful on stage, and we were expected emulate them; they were our role models. And I used to come away from those workshops really fired up, making my power moves, and getting my goals organized, and everything. But I was exhausted, absolutely exhausted! And it made me feel a failure, and I think this is what’s happening with a lot of women – they’re exhausted and stretched and overwhelmed and stress levels are very high. But they don’t know how to let go because, as you say, there’s no role model, there’s no permission.

When I started giving myself permission, and really listened to what my body and my spirit were saying, it was very, very different. And the turn around in me has been extraordinary – not without its struggle, I have to say, because those patterns of behaviour and those patterns of “no, I have to behave in a particular way if I want to be successful” have been very strong, but I’ve realized that they aren’t the way to success, for whatever success means to everybody, but it’s not a way that works.

Martin: You’ve talked about the wrong kind of power, the empowerment that women felt sucked into, but you do talk about feminine power in your book, and you distinguish between feminine power and masculine force. Obviously you’re referring to a natural feminine power – what is a natural feminine power and how is that different from masculine power or force?

Susie: Interestingly, I’ve now changed that word “power” and I now call it “potency” which to me is a soft but very, very strong energy word. And that feels more mystical in a way. When women are behaving like men, it becomes like stags fighting in a wood – there’s no give and take, there’s no listening, there’s no gifting and receiving, there’s no connection and communion that can work.

Whereas when women are being in their place of potency, there’s an energy there which is claiming and owning the elegance, the beauty, the depth – that intrinsic strength which women have. I mean, women are very strong, incredibly strong - giving birth is not an easy rite of passage. So we’ve been given that strength and that blessing, that role to be the givers of birth. There’s a very strong role for women, but when we don’t claim and own that as our feminine energy, and we emulate men, and try to be men, we’re losing out on that part of us that can take pride in being women.
So the difference, I think, between that potency and what I formerly called power and the force of men . . . I mean, I love men, as you know, I’m a great fan of men, I think you’re wonderful. I’m one of these women who really adores men – I’m so grateful to you guys, and the incredible gifts, and the protection and the strength that you are able to offer to us.

But when I’m in my masculine “power”, I fail to honour that, because I’m so busy trying to be strong, and prove myself, and trying to prove that I’m not weak and feeble, and all the rest of it.

I believe that when women go more into their feminine, and I don’t mean pink and fluffy, or weak and feeble at all. But when we acknowledge and own and claim this feminine strength that we have, I believe that men can then step up and be the strong, protectors of us which is intrinsic in you! We often hear women say, “Where have all the men gone? There aren’t any real men anymore!” It’s because women have stepped up and robbed you of your position as our protectors, because there are not many things these days that women can’t do – except that we don’t have the endurance that you have. But it means that a lot of men have got very weak, they’ve got very feminised, if you like. Whether it’s because they’ve given up, or there’s just no point in being their chivalrous, honourable, masculine self.

Martin: If we go back to the Renaissance and prior to that the Middle Ages, and even earlier, there was this concept of chivalry – a certain way in which the man related to woman. It was a very respectful, almost worshipful approach of the man to the woman which is expressed in some of the beautiful Pre-Raphaelite paintings that you may have seen . . .

Susie: Absolutely, yes, beautiful.

Martin: So is there a way in which that energy could be cultivated today – not copying the past, but in a way that’s appropriate in the 21st century?

Susie: My belief is that the majority of women still would love to be cherished by a man, and looked after, and complimented, but we’ve been taught not to do that. You know, it’s become the new way of behaviour. A man friend of mine (a husband of a friend of mine) opened a door to a woman a few weeks ago. She was very scathing and she turned round and said, “I suppose you did that because I’m a woman!” And he said, “No, it’s because I’m a gentleman.” I thought that was absolutely perfect – because it’s a gift when men look after us. It makes us feel cherished, it makes us feel honoured, and respected, and cared for, and it’s so stressful having to carry that whole load ourselves.

When women give themselves permission to be feminine, it also gives men permission to step up into their masculine.

Martin: Bearing in mind that what you’re saying is that whilst at the very deepest level we are the same, at a certain energetic level there are primal differences between man and woman, what is the best way in which those primal differences can come together in a relationship – how do you see it working? What would be your ideal relationship between a man and a woman?

Susie: I don’t agree with an equal relationship. When people say, “We want an equal relationship”, I quiver with horror because equality is sharing everything down the line; it’s “you do the washing and I’ll do the drying “– it doesn’t bring out each other’s qualities, each other’s talents, each other’s magical points.

To me the relationship is to bring out the best in the other person; and again, I think that’s something that’s been forgotten. We haven’t been taught, you know, how do I bring out the best in you? All I would want to do in a relationship is bring out the best in the other person, and I would hope that they would bring out the best in me. But we’ve been taught this equality nonsense, and this sharing - sharing the bill down the middle, and all the rest of it. And again, that becomes a sort of grounds for argument all the time. I’ve seen women taking what I would consider a very masculine role in relationships, in marriages - I have a lot of very masculinised female clients who come in and say, “I don’t know what’s wrong in my marriage, I don’t know what’s wrong with my husband, he doesn’t fancy me any more, our intimacy has vanished. We just seem to argue all the time. What’s wrong with him?” And I really do have to stand them in front of a mirror, and say, “Well, look at the way you are holding your body. Look at the way you walk, look at the way your face is, look at how hard you are becoming!” I don’t hold back with my clients - they come to me because they want to change, and I have to show them what it is they’re doing.

And then when we look at their belief systems and what they believe about life, about love, about men, about women – and very often you find that their belief system is something that’s been given to them by other people: by the media, their teachers, by school, by religion, by their parents – who knows? But this belief system happens very, very early on – and we take that on board, and we run with it even if it doesn’t make sense.

I go back to what I said earlier on – women want to be cherished, we want to be complemented, we want to be looked after to a certain extent – I don’t mean so that we become chattels of the men and cocooned, I don’t mean like that. But so we can relax – because when we’re able to relax and nurture ourselves, when we give to ourselves that’s when we’re able to give so much more back to our partner.

For women to learn again, to acknow-ledge, to appreciate, to really notice when a man is doing something – because my belief is that men really want to make women happy. And when we fail to acknowledge that you’ve made us happy, it really hurts you, and it really upsets you, and because we’re not very good at communicating (we expect you to mind-read us!), we don’t tell you what’s wrong.

And so there’s a lack of comm.-unication. I believe there’s a whole new gen-eration of teaching people how to relate in a way that is deeper, stronger, that has got much more beauty and joy in it and much more fulfilment.

Martin: Thank you. You say in your book – and I agree with what you say – you describe the essence of femininity as one of love – “deep, abiding, generous, unconditional love.” Is that not true also of the essence of man?

Susie: I think it is and I would also say – I’m sticking my neck out here - I would probably say, because this is something I’ve heard and it really resonated with me: that women are 100% love and men are 90% love and 10% builders.

Martin: I know who said that. It was Barry Long.

Susie: It was Barry Long. And I liked that. That to me made a lot of sense.

Martin: “90% love, 10% something to do” was what he said.

Susie: Something to do, something to build! And I really like that. I think that’s very empowering for men. It gives you a strong role there, and that again makes me as a woman feel . . . ahhh, I can let go and allow myself to be nurtured. So there’s this strength there, this permission for men to build and to be creators then.

Martin: It seems to me that whilst in the very essence man and woman are one, we are that one essence of love, the gate through which that love manifests has a different energy to it.

Susie: Yes, absolutely, and I think that that’s also partly to do with the way our bodies are made – men’s bits are all external, women’s bits are all internal.

Martin: That’s very yang and yin.

Susie: That’s very yang and yin. Women are portrayed in the yin-yang symbol as being very dark – and some women go, “I’m not dark”, but it just means we can go inside our own emotions. Our sexual organs are all internal, they’re hidden away. And when we’re very emotional - we’re much more emotional, much more perhaps in touch with our feelings and more able to express them perhaps than men. And our energy is much gentler – and I know there are exceptions to this rule, so please don’t tell me.

And for men, your energy, your yang energyis much more outward, it’s much more forceful, it’s much more direct, it’s much more straightforward – women are more complex, we work much more right and left brain at the same time. And this multi-tasking has very strong roots in our DNA, in the way we were in cave-woman times, so it’s not just a modern invention that women are multi-tasking – it’s a very primordial behaviour and has very strong survival instinct needs there.

Martin: I see qualities in women that can definitely invoke a response of worship. The chivalry that we referred to earlier on, which goes right back to the Platonic teaching on the ascent of love, is really a love of beauty. The Greeks used the word Beauty as an alternative for the word God.

So it seems to me that this is a genuine way, not that one goes out consciously with that in mind. But for a man, the love for a woman can be his spiritual path – and probably vice-versa as well. What would you say about that?

Susie: I think it’s rare, and I feel we’ve all missed out on it. And I do agree – that beauty and that love doesn’t tend to happen in the concrete jungles that we’re involved in here, now. For a woman to get back into that place where she becomes at one with her femininity is where she connects with the earth, where she connects with water, where she connects with nature.
I try and get my clients to get out into nature as often as possible. I was at a very interesting seminar for a couple of weeks in the Bahamas, and one of the exercises we did was to go outside and just be in nature for a while. One of the girls I was with lived in London, right in the middle of the city, and I was lying under a beautiful tree just looking at the whirls of leaves, and the magic number of the way everything was set out, it looked like musical notes to me – it was just beautiful. And she said, “What are you doing?” And I said, “Well, I’m lying, looking at the top of the tree!” And she said she looked up and it was the first time she’d ever looked up and seen the tops of trees!

And I think this happens these days. People don’t go out into nature, they don’t go out and connect. I dance on the beach a lot, I dance in the sea, I’m in the mountains as often as I can be, I’m out in the gardens and smelling flowers and picking fruit from the orchards, and being in nature as much as I can – and that really, really connects me with that earthiness, that juiciness, that fruitfulness that really connects us back with that feminine part of us. And I think that’s what men notice in this worshipping part – when we’re really, really back to that purity, when we’re not taking on programmes of how we’re supposed to look and how we’re supposed to be, but when we’re smiling, and when we’re happy, and when we’re just being our normal self without putting any airs or graces or anything extra – when we’re just being really true to our intrinsic nature.

You were saying earlier that I talk about things being effortless – it is effortless when you’re being your real self. It’s incredibly effort-ful when you’re not. I see women trying terribly hard when they’re dating or when they’re trying to connect with men. I ‘m going, “Stop trying!” “Yes, but if I don’t try, I’m not going to get . . . ” But again, being who you really are is not effortful. It’s being who you’re not that’s effortful. It’s putting on this false mask, this other behaviour, the not-you that causes effort and stress.
Martin: The other day when I was talking to you, I sort of joked with you, I said, “Hmm, you’ve written a book called The Essence of Womanhood. Maybe you’ll write a book called The Essence of Manhood.And you said, “No, the presence of manhood!” Could you elaborate a bit on that?
Susie: Oo! It sends a shiver up my spine. That’s good energy. Again I think this is about honouring the man. The presence of man – there’s nothing more delicious than seeing a man again owning and honouring who he is, when he’s really present with who he is. And you see that in his body when he’s standing up, and his head is erect – and women, we judge men, and then we test you like mad to make sure you’re stronger than us. That’s another thing that women do in relationship, we test you – please be stronger than me, please be . . . oh, you’re not going to be, OK, then I have to be masculine again.

But when you’re really honouring and owning your masculine energy, your power, we notice it around your shoulders and around your chest area. And everything relaxes and looks strong – and that’s when we have this awareness that you can look after us. And it’s so subtle, Martin, you know, it’s not something that we think of logically, it’s just a knowingness. Can I trust that man or can’t I? And it’s when a man is standing in the presence of who he really is.

So this is about him standing, holding his ground, being firm and allowing the woman, then, to be who she is because women need to rant, you know; we need to get stuff off our chests, we need to rant. If a man can stand there and hold that power, rather like being a sea wall, that’s the way I see him – being like a sea wall that holds and contains this energy of woman which can be very flighty and fluid and very feisty, and very gentle, and very up and down, and can be all over the place. But when you are holding that space in the way you hold your body and your energy, and really enjoying that presence of who you are – oh, my goodness, will that help change the world. It really, really will.

When you can step up into the presence of who you are and not be swayed by all the nonsense in the media and do not get tied up with the nasty language and the rather crass behaviour that seems to be very prevalent – when you step up and become in your presence, that’s when I think the world will change as well.

So I think we both have very different but very complementary ways of beingness within this yin-yang energy, and I’ve started to work much more with men now explaining what women want, what they really want.

Martin: What you really, really want!

Susie: What we really, really, really, really want! Because we don’t know what we want – a lot of women don’t really know what they want. So it’s helping men now to step up and honour themselves.

More articles by Susie can be read here

Love-Speak or Love-Do?

2009-04-03T08:04:00.001+01:00

Paraphrased from Dr Laura's book "Woman Power"

It's sad when women say they are not getting any love from their husbands. However, when you take a deeper look, you'll find that men are doing all kinds of wonderful things for them! Women don't register these "doings" as "love-speak". Men don't like to speak that much - they just like to "do".

The basic language of men is "doing", and women are going to be unhappy and their love will not be getting noticed if they don't realise and accept that men speak their love-speak differently than us women."

The Righteous Wife

2009-03-30T08:48:00.002+01:00

She’s not religious in certain situations only.

She is religious outwardly and inwardly.

Religion and good character are permanent traits in her.

It’s in her nature, they don’t leave her whether she’s angry or content,

happy or sad.

They are a part of her day and night, inside and outside the house,

in school or at work, with sheikhs and merchants alike,

in the mosque and in the market, with parents and relatives,

neighbours and friends, husband and children.

She is the religion and the religion is she.

She lives and dies by it.

She doesn’t compromise her religion for any reason.

She tasted the sweetness of faith, so she knew and stood fast in it.

She can’t be irreligious for one moment.

Religion is the air she breaths, the beat of her heart, the flow of her blood.

It’s her whole life that she can’t live without.

It’s her joy, she’s the mirror that reflects the beauty of her religion, and its greatness.

she’s the granddaughter of Lady Khadija may Allah be pleased with her

who received a message from the King of kings that He is pleased with her.

She the second half of her husband, she encourages him with his worship.

From Furqaan Magazine (Arabic)

The 4 Stages of Communicating

2009-03-27T08:11:00.000Z

How many times have we said something nasty and cutting to the men we love? Well, in order to preserve the intimacy and to have a masculine husband, he really does need to be respected, and what's more, he needs to feel worthy enough for your respect. His chest needs to be all swelled up in our presence, and he really does need to feel like "The Man". When you say hurtful things regarding his appearance, character or manners, you really are not showing him the respect he deserves. Pause to think for a moment - would you treat your best friend like that? Most of us wouldn't!

One of the principles of Surrendering is to apologise to him when you have disrespected him. And what is the way you are meant to do it? Get the word "disrespectful" in there somehow! I can feel a lot of women cringing now....!

Why cant we do it? I mean, why cant we express how we feel properly? Most of us really haven't mastered the art of communicating in a feminine manner. We tend to communicate in a matter-of-fact way, without wanting to appear meek or wishy washy - but that really isn't what men want from us. They want us to be soft, gentle and shy, they also want us to be clear and confident about what we want, and to let them know when we are upset... yet we have such a hard time doing this that we clam up and think they are going to say no, laugh at our dreams. But we don't have any shyness when it comes to criticising them, telling them they need a hair cut or that they should start exercising (ie we think they have put on weight!).

Well, as a Surrendered Wife Apologising Veteran, I have devised a 4 stage plan which should really make the whole communication process less painful. I call it The 4 Stages of Communication. These four stages can be used for apologising, expressing your hurt & vulnerability and also for expressing desires... and if you really are a monster and don't know how to express gratitude, you can use it for saying thank you aswell, lol! Try to stay in each stage for at least 3 opportunities where you have needed to express yourself before moving to the next stage:

Say it with a text message If you really cant muster out an apology, express how much he has hurt you, or express what you really want, send him a text message. It is easier than speaking it out.
Read out your lines over the phone Once your comfortable with sending out text messages, write out what you want to say on a paper, phone him up and read it out to him using all your expression!
Say it to him face to face... in the dark Great! you've gotten this far, now you need to say it when your lying in bed at night and the lights are out. Squeeze out those words full of expression, although you can cringe and close your eyes - he cant see you!
Say it loud, say it proud And now, take a deep breath and say it to his face, using all of your expression and use the correct facial features too! By now you should be a pro - you would have had at least 9 opportunities to say it without him seeing you. Go for it!

Feedback would be appreciated!

HELP - Why Do I Always Have To Be The Nice One?

2009-03-25T20:39:00.001Z

Dear Inspirity,

Before I got married I read the requisite fascinating womanhood, and proper care, and surrendered wife, and I tried to practise them. Do you think the advices in those books should be tailored to the man you are married to?

One example: I will compliment my husband every day, on manliness, 'hard workingness' etc, but he never does to me. In my heart, I know and the people think that he married very well, but I always show in my actions and speech as if I was the lucky one to marry him. Thus I think I have a much less supportive husband than the type of man who thinks he did very well for himself, because I constantly flatter him whereas, he never feels the need for me.

I always joke with him that if we ever make mistakes with flight tickets or are late, its better if he is the cause of it rather than me because I try and be very forgiving when he makes a mistake whereas, he is very grumpy if delays or problems are due to me. And Allah Most Kind, always ends up making him be the unorganised one 99% of the time.

Is there a danger that when a man becomes too reliant on the fascinating womanhood philosophy, it just makes him complacent? My husband has never seen the real me because I tried to implement the rules from day 1. Rather, I wish I had not read the books until 5 years into the marriage so I can have the gratitude from him that other husbands give to their wives when they change!

Dearest Fascinating Woman,

I think you sound like a wonderful wife and well done for letting go of the control! This is one of the underlying essences of the Surrendered Wife.

In terms of him complimenting you – I know how you feel, because I have been there, done it! It was one thing that would drive me mad and make me feel so low and unloved! But after a lot of work on myself, I realised that it was I who had the problem, and not my husband. You flatter your husband because he deserves it. That’s your heart song to him – remember, you like to say things; your an auditory person, and like that sort of stuff back. For all you know, your love song may not be getting heard – he may want it shown to him (visual) or he wants to feel it (kinaesthetic). But that’s another post for another time! The point is – you are expressing your love to him the way you want to. He may well be expressing his love to you but in different ways than what you are looking for. He may be saying, “I love you” by fixing things for you, earning money, working long hours – is his love dance being watched and applauded by you? He may be saying, “I love you” by wanting to be more affectionate, wanting to be close to you – are you feeling his love message? The point I’m trying to make is watch out for they ways he expresses his love to you, and you may find that he is really making the effort – whilst you are waiting for a compliment.

You should stick to what you’re doing – complimenting him, forgiving him, being gentle on him – these are such excellent character traits and you don't want to compromise your values and qualities just because they are not being reciprocated.

Try to love your qualities and still let him have the control, and if he messes up... well, it’s a learning experience for him. Let him learn how to do it – and support him. Let him rise to the occasion. How many times have we burnt the cooking, let the milk go off, and turned the whites into pink by not noticing the red towel in the wash? We learnt our mistakes, and had many opportunities – and we should give them the chance to perfect themselves aswell.

When we are giving so much of ourselves it’s easy to end up frazzled and overworked and then our husband’s weaknesses glare at us and we get so irritated!

Try to take a step back and understand that you are not doing anything wrong by being so nice... even though he is disorganised and grumpy, try to bring out the best in him by being the best you can be... and this can only be done if you relax daily... or it will drive you berserk!

Try to treat yourself to baths, go for walks in the park, get together with friends, take some time out to ring someone who lifts your spirits, and never let yourself get over worked. Are you looking after yourself?

Well done for getting this far – you don't have to kick yourself for being nice from day one! You are doing a great job and are continuously improving. Dont lose sight of the bigger picture – being nice and giving the best of yourself because that is ultimately what will please God.

Hope this helps, if not, write back.

SEED: Bringing Back the Feminine into Society

2009-03-24T20:00:00.006Z

"Have you ever been telling a story to a group of women, and they begin nodding their heads, saying how similar things have happened to them?As each woman begins sharing her experiences, an energy gets created that spreads around the group like wildfire. Whether the discussions are about our lovers and husbands, our health, our beliefs, our kids, our work, or how we want to create value in our local and global community, we women empathise, connect, and resonate with each other."

Join the Seed Community today! Seed is a women's network in the UK founded by Lynn Franks. She is an inspirational women bringing femininity back into the world.

http://www.seednetworkingforwomen.com/

Dear Self - A Quote With Profound Meaning

2009-03-23T08:30:00.000Z

My sister is currently reading"Dear Self", which is the journal that was written by Imam Zaid Shakir's mother, which her children published after she passed away.

Click picture to buy book from Inspirity's Book Clinic

"Love did not draw me into marriage. Confusion, discontent and boredom did. And I perpetrated a great wrong both to the man I married and myself."

Why Do You Want To Get Married? Is it for the right reason?

Why Do You Want To Get Married?

2009-03-20T08:00:00.000Z

Here are some questions for you to reflect on if you are looking to get married - take some time and ponder over them, and see what it brings up for you...

Why Do You Want To Get Married?

To get out of your parent's house,
To have someone who loves you,
Because your parents are insisting on you marrying someone even though you are not ready, but you haven't got the courage to say "no",
To start a life with another person where you can respect, encourage, support, admire and appreciate him; Cook, clean, raise you children, fulfil each other's desires, help him along on his journey. And doing all this whilst maintaining, upholding, and increasing your own morals and standards.

Getting Ready for Friday!

2009-03-19T11:50:00.001Z

Happy Upcoming Friday everyone!

Don't forget to get your houses ready for the weekend so you can kick of your shoes and enjoy!

Friday's Essential Checklist:

Finish off any extra ironing and put it away,

Clear your hotspots,

Dry dust all screens, tops and sills,

Empty all the bins,

Swish & Swipe your toilets,

Hoover the main areas of traffic.

Try not to do any laundry on Fridays or you will be left with a basketful of clothes to iron over the weekend. I get all my laundry done with between Monday-Thursday leaving the weekend to totally relax.

To give you a house as fresh as a daisy that you can really call your haven!

Have a great weekend!

SunniPath Summer Registration Opens!

2009-03-19T10:25:00.006Z

First Live Session: Saturday, May 16th

Click here for more details

Attention all Muslim men and women, married or single! This is an absolutely fabulous online course! You will learn so much from it - live interactive lessons with Ustadah Hedaya Hartford - ask as many questions you like during the lesson and even after the lesson. Extremely insightful and educational, learn to differentiate between culture and Islamic Law.

Teacher(s): Ust. Hedaya Hartford
Course Code: LAW130
Next Semester: Summer 2009
Course Length: 13 Weeks
Live Sessions: Saturday, 3:00 PM - 5:00 PM GMT (convert to your time zone)
First Live Session: Saturday, May 16th
Course Format: Weekly live sessions
Department: Law

At-a-glance:

Whether you are already married or looking to the future, learn the essentials of an Islamic marriage
Benefit from noted marriage expert Ustadha Hedaya Hartford’s practical advice and tips
Understand the basic fiqh of marriage and divorce, breaking down common misconceptions
Learn how to establish good communication
Find ways of dealing with problems and conflict resolution
Avoid destructive habits
Set good habits with in-laws

Course Overview:

Basic fiqh of marriage
Basic fiqh of divorce
Choosing a spouse
Types of communication
Triggers and dramas
In-laws
Staying married
Analyzing marital issues/problems and destructive habits

Broken Promises

2009-03-18T13:57:00.003Z

So what do you do when your husband goes back on his word – breaks his promise?

Say he told you that from now on weekends would be family time – he wouldn’t take on any odd jobs, he wouldn’t spend the whole weekend with his parents, etc. And now, you are left alone on the weekends cursing him for ruining your weekends! I've been there!

There could be many reason he did this, so let’s explore a few:

He made a promise just to please you, not because it was the right thing to do:

It could be that he made the promise because he wanted to please you – and not do what he felt was the right thing to do. When men are still in “little boy wanting to please mummy” mode – they will often please anyone before thinking if that is what is best for them. If your hubby is now doing what he thinks is the right thing to do – you should support him on his journey and let him discover what really is best for him... he may mess up in the beginning, by deliberately doing the opposite of what you would like – but that’s just him testing the waters to see if you really will let him do what he want!

He genuinely broke the promise and feels he let you down:

It could be that he really meant to do keep his promise, but because he wasn't strong enough to define his limits – he has ended up breaking it. This will be hard on him too, as he knows that he has let his woman down – and men don't like that! They do like to be always there for you, to look after you, to cherish you – and in the event that they don't, they do kick themselves.

He changed his mind after making the promise but doesn’t want to admit it:

It could be that he made the promise and then changed his mind! Yes, he has gone back on his word but he doesn’t want to tell you that he realised he made the wrong choice. That would mean apologising, and if you're both not great at communicating with each other and have a power struggle going on, his is really not going to say he’s sorry – he would much rather go back on his word and have you cross, than to admit defeat.

He made a promise out of obligation:

It could be that by breaking the promise, he is getting to do something he really wants to do, but he is afraid you will go mad if you found out. So he does it behind your back and now you have found out! You are upset that he has broken his promise, broken trust; but for him, the promise has nothing to do with it – he just fears your anger!

Now What?

Accept Him:

Give your hubby time to grow and develop – especially if he has never made real decisions before. If he breaks his promise, try to understand the reason he did it. If he is a people-pleaser then this will give him the opportunity to realise that his destructive habit is causing him to let down the woman he adores.

Now is the time to get out of the battle-arena, and come back home. It’s not a competition on who wins and who loses. This is a marriage where both spouses should feel safe to make mistakes. And safe enough to admit that they have made a mistake. If a man messes up, he shouldn't ever have the added pressure that his wife will be crowing over his mistake.

Express How Your Feeling:

If he has let you down, express your hurt to him. Tell him that you were really looking forward to x,y,z and it’s a shame that it’s no longer going to happen. Look into why you are upset – what was the promise he broken to you – and find the underlying desires/fears behind that.

A few examples:

He is working more than you want:

You want to enjoy his company more and miss him badly – he’s never around these days!
You are having a hard time coping with the kids and can't do it alone – you miss his presence as a father.

He doesn’t exercise:

Your afraid he is going to get sick or end up with a heart problem.
You are scared of losing him.
You are scared he will get sick and don't want to see him in pain.

He doesn’t work and bring in money:

You are scared you will lose the house
You are scared that you won't have enough money for food or shelter

And in the rawness of your desires and fears – let him know. Gently. With full trust that he hears you. Without hurting his male pride. Without accusing or pointing fingers. The reality of it is that you have desires and fears that need to be addressed, but we women can get so caught up in the principle of the broken promise that it becomes a fight against good and evil – the fact that he has not kept his word and you can never trust him again. Look at the bigger picture and understand where you are both coming from.

In NLP there is a theory that all behaviour comes from a positive intention.

A person may lie to protect his self-image, maybe aggressive because they want to protect themselves; another maybe scared because they want to feel safe; another person may even lie because they want to protect themselves from heartbreak. Instead of thinking “he lied to me”, try to understand what his intention is behind it, and try to understand that his lying brought up a negative emotion in you swell – what is the intention behind your negative emotion? What can you do to bring some light into your spouse’s life?

An excellent article on positive intentions can be read here, by Robert Dilts

"It is very important to realize, however, that 'darkness' is not a 'force', it is merely the absence of light. Light can shine into darkness, but darkness cannot 'shine' into light. Thus, the relationship between light and the shadow that it casts is not one of a struggle between opposing forces. The question is, "What is obstructing the light?" and "How can we get some light to where it needs to be?"

Mad mothering, rule one: your child always comes before you

2009-03-17T13:57:00.003Z

Back on the topic of over obsessive parents... my current obsession!

By Janic Turner, on Judith Warner, author of 'Perfect Madness'
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/columnists/janice_turner/article522229.ece

" But then these days children laugh in your face at jelly and games in the garden. Parents are required to rent a bowling alley or swimming pool. And to please the birthday prince or princess they do it, raising the bar ever higher: my 9-year-old was recently taken to a restaurant in a white stretch limousine.

And Scene 1 woman clearly believed that nurturing her child so magnificently means she need not give a damn about anyone else. It is now a valid excuse to cancel Sunday lunch on the day because your toddler is taking an unscheduled nap. Or to ring another mother and say 6-year-old Cecily won’t be coming to a longarranged tea because “she doesn’t feel like it”. Or to book expensive football coaching, then, when a child whines that he doesn’t want to go, say “OK, darling, never mind”.

We give our children power and choices when they need leadership and rules. We arrest their biological development from solipsism to sociability. What a generation of manipulative, selfish, sod-you quitters and deal-breakers we are breeding. I’m forever seeing a child riding in the passenger seat while the second parent, usually the mother, is exiled from adult conversation in the back. "

Reframing with NLP

2009-03-16T11:11:00.004Z

From Wikipedia:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reframing

A frame can refer to a belief, what limits our view of the world. If we let this limiting belief go, new conceptions and interpretation possibilities can develop.

Psychotherapists trained in the reframing by communication attempt to let scenes appear in another point of view (frame) so that someone feels relieved or is able to deal with the situation better.

Anthony Robbins wrote, "A signal has meaning only in the frame or context in which we perceive it." For example, if a person is resting in bed and hears his bedroom door open, that exact same noise will have two totally different meanings to him and evoke drastically different reactions depending on whether (1) he is alone in a locked house, or (2) he had previously invited his friend over and left the back door to his house unlocked.

Examples

For example, say a university or college student breaks his leg during summer vacation. He is crestfallen, because he can no longer play tennis and golf with his family and friends. A few days later, he realizes that he now has the quiet, alone time to learn how to play the guitar, something he had always wanted to do but had been too busy to attempt. He then discovers he has a great aptitude for music and becomes a decent guitar player by summer's end. One year later, he changes his major to music. After graduation he embarks on a successful music career. Years later, his friends recall how unfortunate his leg fracture was that summer, and he says, "Breaking my leg was the best thing that ever happened to me!" From then on, whenever he is disabled by injury or illness, he recalls the lesson and is far less despondent over his temporary disability than he otherwise would have been, as he takes the opportunity to do something novel.

Six step reframe

The six-step reframe is a pattern for changing unwanted habits and behaviors developed by John Grinder, the co-founder of NLP. It involves:

Identifying the context where the unwanted behavior pattern occurred,
Establishing unconscious yes/no signals,
Confirming that the behavior has a positive intent,
Finding a number of ways of fulfilling the positive intent,
Selecting the best of the possible alternatives generated in step 4,
Checking that the selection is ecological, that is, it is acceptable to the individual and in relationships to others.

Read the full article at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reframing

Acts of Kindness to Make the World a Better Place

2009-03-13T12:15:00.003Z

"Once Upon A Time there was a little girl who believed in the magic of her own imagination. Her parents were wise and caring adults who encouraged the little girl to follow her pixie-dusted dreams. "

Inspirity: I was contacted today by Terry Grahl, an award-winning interior decorator whose mission is to give hope to 'at risk' women and children.

''When I realized I had a purpose that extended beyond clients homes, I was excited and scared. I had a vision of what I really wanted to do with my life, but I didn't know how, let alone believe 100% that the dream I'm living today could be accomplished by a once shy insecure girl! "

"Even more amazing to me was that I had found my true calling. I wanted to use all of my talents and skills to provide refuge, solace, and hope to people in need. Terry's Enchanted Cottage ultimately became Enchanted Makeovers a organization that changes shelters for women and children into places of peace and possibilities. (Not just where basic needs are met, but spiritual needs for hope and beauty also).

I organize dozens of volunteers to clean, repair, paint, gather new goods and monetary donations for each makeover. Some require major construction work, other mainly cosmetic facelifts. Enchanted Makeovers have been featured in several national and international magazines and have won many prestigious awards. Even a glimpse appearance on the Oprah Show.

Today, transforming the shelters that save people’s lives into beautiful sanctuaries that heal their spirit is my vocation.
Please join me in bringing blessings to those in need."

"Enchanted Makeovers is an organization that transforms shelters for women and children into places of peace and possibilities. (Not just where basic needs are met, but spiritual needs for hope and beauty also).

Learn more about how you can become part of our team and with your help we can make a difference."

http://www.enchantedmakeovers.org/

Desperate housewives?

2009-03-13T07:30:00.001Z

Lucy Cavendish was raised on feminist literature and yearned to be a career woman. But as a new book calls for a return to the values of home and hearth, she asks how 'housewife' became a term of abuse

"The truth is, I feel better when the house is clean and organised and the kids' clothes are folded and in their drawers. I like to put a pot of steaming casserole on the table for my partner when he comes home from work. On a day when I'm not working and the kids are at nursery, I go for a ride, or walk the dog, or pop round for coffee and a cake at a friend's house. Life is so much less stressful. I find I rather like wearing an apron. I have a "baking" cupboard, although I am still not very good on cakes. But the kids like making them so, some afternoons, we get floury and pour everything into a mixing bowl and then eat it.

The children are happier. My partner is happier. The dog is happier and I am happier. If I'm feeling particularly daring, I might even open a bottle of wine at lunchtime and invite people round. It's so much more relaxing than working. And who decreed that we should all work so hard that we forget how to enjoy life?
I think women are redefining things. Working hard, being successful and beating men at their own game now seems tiring and boring and, at the end of the day, not necessarily fulfilling. It's much more fun to have freedom: the freedom to be at home, to play with the kids, to walk a dog, to make my own decisions about my life.

Being a housewife is no longer the dead-end job it was, and it's also not for ever. As their children get older, many women I know intend to start up some sort of small business. The internet has made this perfectly possible. Others intend to retrain as family therapists, teachers and such like. Some are doing extra-curricular courses in art, ceramics, philosophy."

Read the full Independant article here

Just Husbands Success Story

2009-03-12T19:14:00.004Z

Just got off the phone from a lady whose husband spent a few hours with Jemal Jelil (Just Husbands). She says her husband has been transformed she feels like she is on her honeymoon! She has been married a looong time! Get your husbands to visit his website - and remember - no women allowed! The way she put it - "I don't even want to know what he told him - I'm just so happy!"

Happy Housewives, By Darla Shine

2009-03-12T18:00:00.003Z

Click on book to buy from Inspirity's Book Clinic

10 golden rules for happy housewives
By Darla Shine

Article in Junior Magazine

Calling all stay-at-home mothers! It's time to stop apologising and feel proud of the great job you're doing, says Darla Shine.

"What do you do all day?” is the question all stay-at-home mothers dread. Here's how I would like to respond. “Hi, I'm Darla, full-time mother for now, but I used to be a television producer and one day, I plan to return to work.” Perhaps it would make me feel better if everyone knew I had a successful career before I became a stay-at-home mother. ..."

"...I couldn't cope at first. I hired cleaners, babysitters and recruited anyone and everyone to help me take care of my babies. My mother called me a spoilt lazy brat and tried to convince me that I was lucky to be in a position to look after my children. But I just ignored her. She was just a housewife anyway, what did she know about life?

The I got the ultimate wake-up call when I found a lump in my breast. Thinking I would die, deservingly so since I was such a rubbish mother, I prayed to God. I vowed never to take my life for granted again. I swore that if I survived, I would become the best mother and wife I could be. After all, is there anything more important than family? Thankfully, I did not have cancer, but that harmless cyst was certainly a gift.

It made me realise that I had to snap out of it. My mother was right. My generation don't know how lucky they are. The time has come for us to admit that feminists were wrong. There's too much pressure on women to have it all. Something has to give. It's either our career, children, marriage or sanity, but something has to go on the back burner. A couple of years ago, I attended a black-tie function with my husband. At this party, packed full of high-powered executives, I found that no one wanted to talk to me. One particularly rude woman actually turned her back on me after I told her I was at home with the children. Another lady had the gall to say, “How sweet” when I told her I was a housewife. I think the anger and frustration I felt that night forced me to prove myself. I wanted to show everyone that I was more than “just a stay-at-home.” But why did I feel this way? Clearly, the word 'housewife' has an negative stigma attached to it.

People seem to think stay-at-home women are slobs who spend the whole time slumped on the sofa, watching daytime TV, eating chocolates and wearing slouchy tracksuits and slippers. What a damaging cliché. Well, not any more. I say, lift up your spatulas girls and start demanding the respect you deserve with my definitive 10-point plan to help you become a happy housewife and mother... "

Read the 10-point plan here

'Helicopter parents' win right to fill UCAS forms

2009-03-12T17:47:00.003Z

Pushy parents do UCAS applications in battle for best university places

Pushy parents have won the right to take over their children's university applications and some even expect to sit in on interviews for places.

Frank Furedi, Professor of Sociology at the University of Kent, suggested that interfering parents were “destroying the distinction between school and higher education”.

Save the Males - Boys Need Men.

2009-03-12T17:12:00.003Z

Where have all the real men gone? - Times Article.

Top American columnist Kathleen Parker is causing a furore with her new book Save the Males, in which she argues that feminism has neutered men and deprived them of their noble, protective role in society

"I know. Saving the males is an unlikely vocation for a 21st-century woman. Most men don’t know they need saving; most women consider the idea absurd. When I tell my women friends that I want to save the males, they look at me as if noticing for the first time that I am insane. Then they say something like: “Are you out of your mind? This is still a male-dominated world. It’s women who need saving. Screw the men!”

Actually, that’s a direct quote. The reality is that men already have been screwed – and not in the way they prefer. For the past 30 years or so, males have been under siege by a culture that too often embraces the notion that men are to blame for all of life’s ills. Males as a group – not random men – are bad by virtue of their DNA.

While women have been cast as victims, martyrs, mystics or saints, men have quietly retreated into their caves, the better to muffle emotions that fluctuate between hilarity (are these bitches crazy or what?) and rage (yes, they are and they’ve got our kids).... "

".... As Tom put it: “There’s a mystery about oneself.” Knowing one’s father is apparently crucial to that mystery.

Something that’s hard for many women to admit or understand is that after about the age of seven, boys prefer the company of men. A woman could know the secret code to Aladdin’s cave and it would be less interesting to a boy than a man talking about dirt. That is because a woman is perceived as just another mother, while a man is Man.

From their mothers, boys basically want to hear variations on two phrases: “I love you” and “Do you want those fried or scrambled?” I learnt this in no uncertain terms when I was a Cub Scout leader, which mysteriously seems to have prompted my son’s decision to abandon Scouting for ever.

My co-Akela (Cub Scout for wolf leader) was Dr Judy Sullivan – friend, fellow mother and clinical psychologist. Imagine the boys’ excitement when they learnt who would be leading them in guy pursuits: a reporter and a shrink – two intense, overachieving, helicopter mothers of only boys. Shouldn’t there be a law against this?

We had our boys’ best interests at heart, of course, and did our utmost to be good den mothers. But seven-year-old boys are not interested in making lanterns from coffee tins. They want to shoot bows and arrows, preferably at one another, chop wood with stone-hewn axes and sink canoes, preferably while in them.

At the end of a school day, during which they have been steeped in oestrogen by women teachers and told how many “bad choices” they’ve made, boys are ready to make some really bad choices. They do not want to sit quietly and listen to yet more women speak soothingly of important things.

Here’s how one memorable meeting began. “Boys, thank you for taking your seats and being quiet while we explain our women’s history month project,” said Akela Sullivan in her calmest psychotherapist voice. The response to Akela Sullivan’s entreaty sounded something like the Zulu nation psyching up for the Brits.

I tried a different, somewhat more masculine approach: “Boys, get in here, sit down and shut up. Now!” And lo, they did get in there. And they did sit. And they did shut up. One boy stargazed into my face and stage-whispered: “I wish you were my mother.”

Akela Sullivan and I put our heads together, epiphanised in unison and decided that we would recruit transients from the homeless shelter if necessary to give these boys what they wanted and needed – men.
As luck would have it, a Cub Scout’s father was semi-retired or between jobs or something – we didn’t ask – and could attend the meetings. He didn’t have to do a thing. He just had to be there and respire testosterone vapours into the atmosphere.

His presence shifted the tectonic plates and changed the angle of the Earth on its axis. Our boys were at his command, ready to disarm landmines, to sink enemy ships – or even to sit quietly for the sake of the unit if he of the gravelly voice and sandpaper face wished it so. I suspect they would have found coffee tins brilliantly useful as lanterns if he had suggested as much...."

Read the full article here - Warning: Crude Photo

Dr Laura: Parenting & Setting Healthy Limits

2009-03-12T16:51:00.004Z

Are you Mad-Woman?

2009-03-12T11:45:00.001Z

Helicopter mums are go!

Middle-class anxiety has bred a new kind of pushy mother who forever hovers over her children, writes Deirdre Fernand

"By their SUVs shall you know them. Observe the pushy, competitive mother at the school gate. Her hair is immaculate, her nails manicured. Driven and dangerous, she obsesses about the organic raisins in her child’s lunchbox and is always up to speed with the PTA.

Perfection is demanded from her child. Handwriting must be neat, spelling mistakes corrected, supper must be healthy, after school activities productive. And playtime? There isn’t any after the Kumon maths and the karate. Perhaps you are starting to recognise yourself.

These “helicopter mothers”, always hovering over their children, are the subject of an alarming new book by Judith Warner, Perfect Madness, published this week. A former Newsweek journalist, she had two babies in Paris before moving back home with her journalist husband to settle in Washington with her small daughters. "

Her book, subtitled Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety, has been a bestseller in America. She believes the insanity affecting transatlantic mothers is coming here. Her book serves as a warning shot to anyone who ever believed that stay-at-home mummydom was all about finger-painting and baking cookies. For every woman Warner knew who was truly fulfilled baking gingerbread men and tidying up Lego, she could name a dozen or more who were truly desperate.

She found herself in a maelstrom of über-mum competitive parenting. It wasn’t just a question of choosing the right kindergarten and school, it was the right kind of party bag and the right sort of cake. It was a case of stress, exhaustion and tears before bedtime, and that was just the mums. She realised they were harming themselves, their children and family life.

“In Washington I met women who were wading through life in severe depression. Childcare was expensive, they worried about getting into the right school. Many of them felt guilty about ever having any time to themselves.”

Read the full Times article here

Buy the book from Inspirity's Book Clinic

This article was inspired by Rose x

Games for the 11+

2009-03-11T21:57:00.003Z

The Happy Puzzle Company have a great collection of games and puzzles to help prepare for the 11+.

Games and puzzles include:

The Set Game

Brain Box Games - English History, Dinosaurs, Animals, Kings & Queens of England, All around the world

Which Books for Non-Verbal Reasoning?

2009-03-11T20:03:00.009Z

Learning the Method and Technique - January, Year 5

Bonds assessment papers all of the books from third up to further fifth

Bonds How to do Non Verbal Reasoning has good exercise questions in it and a pull-out test that should be used later on.

Starting to Practice - March, Year 5

Learning Together books, both

AE Tuition books 1 and 2 need to be covered before the papers start

Eleven plus swot papers

If you run out of resources, the Premium Series may be beneficial, although some questions can have more than one answer - in which case, should be ignored/crossed out. (This series is very close to the style used by GL assessment)

Test Practice - 13 weeks left - Mid August

Start practicing the proper tests, alternating between (so child is exposed to different types of paper style) the following packs of practice tests:

AFN Publishing Test Pack

Letts/ GL Assessment Test Papers

Bonds Test Papers

try to only cover 2 tests from each pack in this period - as you want to save some for the mock test days. If you run out of resources try Bonds 10 Minute Tests, Ages 11 - 12,

and the Pull Out Test in How to do Non Verbal Reasoning.

Mock Test Days - 7 weeks left - End of September

The children should be completely ready for the tests and totally familiar with all types and procedures. Start having weekly “test days” exam conditions with a fifteen minute break in between. Alternating between the remaining AFN Papers, Bonds Papers and NFER papers

Final Week - Relax & Take It Easy - November

This week should be left to learn through fun and games. Puzzles, flashcards, quizes, reading. No more tests, Hooray!

Laura Doyle: Settle for an Imperfect Man

2009-03-11T13:24:00.000Z

“It’s time to surrender your checklist and accept an imperfect man.
You can be blissfully happy with an imperfect man.
You will certainly be perpetually lonely without one.”

- Laura Doyle

The Surrendered Single.

HELP - My Husband Doesn't Make Conversation

2009-03-11T11:10:00.000Z

Dear Inspirity,

My problem is that in the early years of our marriage if my husband was quiet I would work hard to bring him out of himself and find things to talk to him about and interest him. But I realised he never made such an effort to make day-to-day life as nice for me.

And so what has happened lately is that, if I try to talk to him and he answers in monosyllables, where before I used to try and 'coax' him or 'charm' him out of his mood, now I withdraw as well. So then we are both quiet. I am only so because he is, but then his mood lasts for days rather than hours and I just cannot be bothered to be the one who talks first. So a situation arises where we are actually not talking not because we had an argument but just because my husband is in a mood and I no longer wish to be the one to keep the communication channels in the marriage open.

How do I get out of that thinking? I don't bother to even make conversation anymore because as soon as he gives the first one word answer I clam up and end it because I think 'don't humiliate yourself by talking on when he isn’t even going to be gracious enough to answer properly'.

Instead I have developed a large group of friends and interests that give me that space to talk and be the way I like, so his silences don't hurt me anymore. But what’s happened is that now I have other outlets for myself, I don't bother to make an effort with my husband as I did before I started developing myself.

I think where I went wrong is I tried to accept his character but in the way of 'make myself happy through other ways'. But now, sister, our house is so quiet and we hardly have anything to say to each other. Help me.

Dear Charming,

It's sad that your house has become quiet, due to your feeling that you always have to make the effort to make conversation.

You stated that you used to try so hard initially to keep the communication channels open, and now you have given up - I would advise you not to give up just yet - I think you have done really well by developing a large group of friends and interests - this is one of the keys to having a happy marriage - so well done for that! :)

Try to accept that your husbands 'quietness' has got nothing to do with you - nor is an attack on your personality. You seem to come across as someone who is talkative and likes to be engaged in healthy conversations - well your husband doesn't always have to be the one to provide you with that. All you need for healthy conversation is some good friends and an unlimited national calls tarif!

I read an excellent dialogue in Byron Katie's book "I need your love - is it true?" with a woman who came to Katie to tell her she wanted to divorce her husband because he doesn't talk to her. He's too quiet! (sound familiar, hon?). They did an amazing role play (her and Katie), and the lady went away realising that it dont matter that he was quiet - she could still have a good relationship with him once she accepted that there are many benefits in having a quiet husband - he doesn't nag, he doesn't criticise the food, he lets you do pretty much what you want!

You say you have made lots of friends and pursued interests - a lot of dominating husbands have problems with their wives leaving the house - and they feel very possessive over their charming wives - you sound like you're married to a good guy!

Perhaps you need to re-define your relationship with him. Maybe you have an expectation of what your relationship should be like - which is causing problems in the way you are living the relationship? Perhaps your marriage is not meant to be lets hold hands and talk, talk, talk... but maybe its meant to be sit with me, hold me, complete me...

Although you feel humiliated when he doesn't answer you properly, try to realise that this is the way he is. Perhaps he doesn't want to open up but is totally happy when you are doing all the talking? Some people are chatterboxes (I am!) and some people just like to sit back, and listen with a pleasant smile on their face (my husband). Could that be you two? I would advise you to be yourself, and let him be himself, and find peace in that acceptance.

Accept that you are "Charming", and let him be the "Charmed". Accept the personality you have been given, and admire him for being the steady guy that he is.

I hope this helped, and if you have any more questions, do get back to me.

Love,Inspirity.

A Period of Peace

2009-03-11T10:27:00.005Z

One of the 'Rituals for Radiant Living' described in The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari is to have a daily Period of Peace.

Try to set aside a small period every day, as little as fifteen minutes, where you can explore the healing power of silence and connect with who you really are.

Immerse in the blanket of silence; Try to find a place of true quiet and beauty, and if possible, try to commune with nature daily if only in your back garden. Savour the moment and let it fill you with gratitude.

Is your love message getting across?

2009-03-11T09:44:00.003Z

If you are your spouse are not speaking the same language - there will be problems. You may want him to talk to you, so you can hear his love song, whilst he may want you to touch him, so he can feel the love.

If you and your spouse are not on the same wavelength - don't despair, you don't have to change! Be the person you are! Explain how like to be loved, and just give your spouse what they need. It's really that simple.

The three different wavelengths are: Auditory, Visual, and Kinesthetic. You maybe a mixture of two, or may have a bit of all three (not ideal).

Read an article on the three types of love wavelengths

Can it help relationships? See me. Hear me. Touch me.

Letting Go of Financial Worry

2009-03-11T07:37:00.003Z

By The Fascinating Woman.

"Enter the "letting go completely" philosophy. The responsibily of handling the finances you hand over to your husband, completely. That means that you don't worry about it. You don't open the bills. You don't pay them. You don't make the phone calls for them. He has to handle it. As he succeeds apply the principle of admiration (as it relates to the the masculine roles look at the this post & this one for more information). If he fails say nothing. He's "a big boy" he can take care of it.

The man I married was comfortable with finances. After we were married not so much. I had been my Father's book-keeper for years (he's self-employed). I knew that I knew how to handle things so when things were tight I would sail in to "save" us. We had meeting after meeting and discussion after discussion. I put together numerous budgets. Nothing worked. Checks bounced. Budgets weren't kept too. Money came in and seemed to slip through our fingers."

Read the full article: Letting Go of Financial Worry

Plus - read the comments in the article:
"The way you and your hubby manage finances will, I'm very sure, work for many others as well. I just wanted to put in my two cents that in some cases, like mine, this is not a catch-all philosophy."

Secondary School Search

2009-03-10T21:51:00.000Z

Times Online Schools League Tables

Top 50 Independents by GCSE
Top 50 Grammar schools by GCSE
Top schools by GCSE results

BBC Schools League Tables - Find your closest secondary schools

Watch Laura Doyle's interview with the BBC

2009-03-10T17:58:00.006Z

"Newshost:

But you have made it very hard for yourself by using this word "surrender" - "the surrendered housewife" - it gives such a negative impression. It does sound like the doormat - lay down and surrender.

Laura Doyle:

Well some people hear it that way but I not the first to use this word in this way in fact I have read things from Marian Williamson, Sister Wendy Beckett and Carl Jung and lots of other authors that I hold in high esteem.

They talk about surrender being something that we have to do every day - when you are driving in traffic you might wish the cars would move but you can't make them move - you can either sit there and honk and yell at the other drivers or you can say I can use this time to listen to books on tape or I will listen to music. I will make the most of it."

Watch the interview here

Read the transcript here

Word Searches & Crosswords

2009-03-10T17:52:00.000Z

Create your own custom word searches:
http://word-search-maker.com/

Create your own custom crosswords:
http://www.crosswordweaver.com/index.htm

I became a Stepford wife and saved my marriage

2009-03-10T17:38:00.004Z

By AMANDA CABLE
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-452327/I-Stepford-wife-saved-marriage.html

"The story of how this sharp-tongued working wife and mother from Leeds agreed to relinquish all control to her husband - swopping furious rows for sweet acquiescence in a bid to win back his affections - is the subject of a new Channel Five documentary, Obedient Wives.

The idea of the surrendered wife comes from a book by American Laura Doyle - a former marketing copywriter whose opinions make Ma Walton look like a feminist activist.

It has spawned a whole Surrendered Wives movement which goes far beyond the wildest dreams of your average Stepford Wife. Devotees agree to relinquish all control of their husband's life, allowing him to make all the decisions, never saying 'no' to sex, and finally learning to change themselves and not their men."

...

"So what difference has two months of being a Surrendered Wife made to the Tavassoli marriage? Karen says: 'I have been raised as an independent woman and the Surrendered Wife movement goes against everything I've stood for.

'But, incredibly, it has saved my marriage. I don't do more housework - I do less, because Ali is so amazed to be thanked so nicely for every small thing he does that he has started loading the dishwasher for the first time in years.

'Before, I would just have criticised him for putting the dishes in the wrong way. He is so thrilled with the "New" Karen that he even told me to sit and watch a film the other night so he could do the ironing.

'He appreciates there is a closeness between us that we had lost.' "

Read the full article here

FlyLady sends me too many emails!

2009-03-10T16:44:00.004Z

Dear Inspirity,

I'm on that FlyLady yahoo group - but I've never really understood it? My inbox just gets full of emails?

Dear Overloaded,

Lol. FlyLady is like that! She sends you loads of emails everyday! I think FlyLady works best if you use a email program such as Microsoft outlook, where you can create “rules” for incoming mail.

My rules automatically delete all of Kelly’s zones, all of the Riley Challenge, all of the reminders to get dressed to shoes, do your morning routine, etc. When all these unwanted reminders get deleted, you have about 5-6 emails per day the testimonials and FlyLady’s musings are the essence.

Hope this helps.

Inspirity.

Ustadah Zahida: Sexual Abuse

2009-03-10T13:34:00.006Z

"There are a lot of books in the market on sexual abuse, and from an Islamic perspective, I do not encourage anyone to read them. They are not very Islamic. People who have experienced sexual trauma are often in a very fragile state can take ideas from the book that are unislamic.

About 15 years ago, I went for counseling myself to Aliya Haeri, at that time I had been reading so many books on abuse. When she heard that, she told me to burn all of my books!!

There are good things that are in the mainstream books, but they encourage a lot of unislamic actions. Expressing their feelings in unislamic ways. I attend many courses but I have to have my Islamic filter with me at all times. 75% of the information given will be good, and the 25% that is bad will often be very bad and Islmaically forbidden. I would recommend everyone to use their judgement and discuss things through with a practicing Muslim counsellor. Sieve out unislamic things, ignore the bad.

I recommend "The Keys to the Quran" which are a set of five books, "The Journey of the Self". They have been written by a Shia Spiritual Counsellor but I have found them to be extremely beneficial for Islamic Counselling.

Islamic counselling shouldn't be long winded. We shouldn't be encouraged to "Just do what makes you feel happy!" or "Stay naked if that's what makes you feel free!". It doesn't matter what you have been through, you can get out of it. Accept your destiny and stop wallowing in what happened, but make an action plan on how to overcome it."

Two books I would recommend would be:

(click on books to buy from Inspirity's Book Clinic - they can be cheaper if bought second hand - also from the book clinic)

FlyLady Musing - Men's Stuff

2009-03-10T11:16:00.004Z

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/FlyLadyMentors/message/48967

"Dear Friends,

This essay from my Sweet Darling should be repeated quite often.

At the Charlotte FLY Fest in 2005, Robert was a big hit with our members. He gave them a little insight into our guys' clutter. You have asked him to write an essay about it and he has. The only part you will miss the air guitar dance he did on stage that day. I still laugh at the thought of this.

You can read more from Robert, Tom and the rest of our guys on the www.HeyTom.net website. They answer your questions from a man's point of view every weekday. They have quite a following.They answer all types of questions!

FlyLady"

Read Robert's Essay of Men's Clutter

Freecycle your extra stuff

2009-03-10T09:05:00.004Z

"Changing the world one gift at a time"

The best way of keeping your house spotless is to live a minimalistic lifestyle. The less things you have to clean, the quicker it will be to clean up!

A great way to give away your unwanted items it to Freecycle it! Join your local online Freecycle group, and OFFER: your unwanted items. Local residents in your area will get back to you straight away to arrange a time to come and collect it from your doorstep! Its that easy!

I have regular clear outs with Freecycle, and encourage my kids to have a 27 fling boogie and join me!

Live a life of simplicity. Declutter. Start Freecycling today!

There is a Muslim Free-Cycle Group in West London.

Tutors List

2009-03-10T08:06:00.000Z

So many people are looking for Tutors for the 11+

I personally tried a tuition centre on Uxbridge Road/Hanwell and I was really disappointed, and in the end, I tutored him myself; but for those who don't have the time/patience to DIY, I am creating a list of tutors which have a good reputation:

Babara Walsh
Author of Verbal Reasoning Books (essential books for Tiffin in my opinion and a lot of others')
Tel: 07956409903 02085469342

Barnfield Youth Center
Parkfield Road
Kingston
Surrey
KT2 5LL

Susan J Daughtrey
Author of the Bright Sparks Series (essential books for the Bucks & Tiffin exams - in my opinion and a lot of others')
Tel: 01753 882022 or 01753 883 309

The Pines
Lewis Lane
Gerrards Cross
Buckinghamshire
SL9 9TS
Tuition held at Chalfont Community Centre

Stephen Curran
Author of the AE Tuition Work Books (great NVR practice)
He really knows what he is talking about - we went to him at the end of our 11+ journey.
http://www.aetuition.co.uk/
020 8867 2727
01753 579956

2 Kingfisher Court,
281 Farnham Road,
Slough SL2 1JF.

Mrs.Hopeless Doesn't Know How to Relax

2009-03-09T18:41:00.006Z

The Case of Mrs. Hopeless.

Mrs Hopeless was feeling very irritated. Her children were poorly and she was so tired of cooking and cleaning and tending to their needs –all-day-long!

She wished she could have a rest, but it just didn't seem possible.

What she really wanted was some time out! She would have liked to have a few hours to herself, instead, she couldn’t stop thinking about the pile of ironing she had to do, the kids sniffling with runny noses and keeping the house spotless! How she wished that Mr. Husband would get her a maid!

She waited anxiously for Mr. Husband to return home from work. She greeted him with a desperate hug. “Honey, I'm so glad your home, I'm so tired!” she hissed wildly.

Mr. Husband had had a hard day aswell, and was feeling his RSI strain on his neck; he immediately started to compete with Mrs. Hopeless – replying with “Oh my neck and shoulders are totally wasted hon, make us a cuppa”.

Mrs. Hopeless felt err... pretty hopeless. What an imbecile of a husband she had! Grr...! She slammed the kettle on the counter after she filled it, and proceeded to switch on the iron. What she needed was an excuse to get her noticed around here. He didn't care if she was tired. What she needed was to get sick! She looked to the heavens and whispered “Dear Lord, let me get sick so I can have a break, too!”. She should claim she had the flu and take some bed rest. “That will show him that I am human, too!” she muttered under her breath.

The days passed the same as usual, Mrs. Hopeless cooked nutritious meals for her family, kept the house clean, feeling totally exhausted as baby number 4 was keeping her awake during the nights. A few days later, Mrs. Hopeless developed a terrible headache. It got worse and worse and she started to feel miserable. Her body started to ache and her body became very hot... “Oh dear!” she panicked, “I’m getting ill!” Mrs. Hopeless started to remember exactly what was involved with getting ill... constant medicine, bed rest, aching bones, stinging eyes. To be topped off with crying babies, food to cook and a hypochondriac of a husband. “Oh Lord!” she cried frantically. “Please give me health and strength! Don't let me get ill! I'm sorry I made that prayer!”

...
Mrs Hopeless would have done well to express her tiredness to her husband beforehand, regardless of his answer. She should have listened to the messages her body was giving her and taken a rest in bed with candles and soothing natural sounds. She didn't need to be sick to have a rest and relax! She should have fed the kids and told them they needed to keep themselves busy for an hour while she relaxed and recharged her batteries. And if her hypochondriac of a husband complained of a migraine, she should have sweetly set out some tablets and some water for him before going to relax in her bubble bath.

Prayers and Al Fatiha for Mrs. Hopeless.

You can learn more about becoming a super relaxed and super-centred babe by reading all about Self Care in The Surrendered Wife, By Laura Doyle.

Getting ready for the 11+?

2009-03-08T17:40:00.004Z

· Start a year early for best results

· Get the correct books (not available from WHSmith)

· Get help and support from http://www.elevenplusexams.co.uk/

· Visit http://www.inspiritysurrenders.blogspot.com/ for additional tips and resources.

· Visit http://www.chuckra.com/ and take up their “mock tests”

· Visit the local grammar schools in your surrounding area

· Consider moving to Buckinghamshire for the best grammar single-sex schools!

Marriage Training Principles

2009-03-08T10:15:00.006Z

This is a work-in-progress. This article will be updated intermittently.

Confidence and Self Esteem: You need to be confident with the decisions you make and not be swayed by the negative comments of others, or chances are you will take a back seat in the journey of your life and let others make important decisions for you. If you don't go into your marriage with a high self esteem, you will end up second guessing your decisions and berating yourself when things go wrong.
Self Care: Learning to beautify oneself for your husband; hair, nails, clothes. Learning how to relax - you don't know what it means to be tired right now! :) Do things that wind you down - have a bubble bath, connect with nature by going for a walk in the park.
Home-making skills: Learn how to manage your time effectively, start practicing how to cook, and learn how to clean so it doesn't take over your whole life.
Start to respect and look at other people's perspective: Once you get married, it's not going to be all about what you think! :) How do you react when you have to deal with a conflict of interest?
Anger management: How do you deal with conflict? How do you react when someone makes you angry? How do you react when your under stress (e.g. exams, work related audits) and you're not feeling well? Do you become a witch during your monthly periods? Now is the time to start to control your anger! An aching back due to housework, crying kids, lack of sleep, period pains, in-law problems and an overly happy husband are a recipe for disaster if you don't know how to manage your anger! :)
Boundaries and limitations: How do you react when someone oversteps your boundaries? Do you know how to remain composed and unswayed in the event of being persuaded to do something you don't want to do? Have you been taught by your parents to do whatever they say and be overly obedient whether it's morally/religiously correct or not? If you don't understand how to manage your boundaries and limitation, chances are high that you will get walked over when you get married. ("If you act like jelly, people will squish their hands inside just because it feels nice, for no other reason" - Dr Laura).

INTRODUCING - Inspirity's Marriage Training

2009-03-08T09:58:00.003Z

So many young women have come to me telling me they want to get married - and then asking how to go about it?

You can set your heart on getting married, but if you're constantly waiting for Mr. Right to pop-up, chances are your going to get filled with discontent.

Do what you want to do now, rather than waiting for the right circumstances to arrive where your life will be perfect.

Your life is perfect now - that's what God wants from you right now. If he wanted anything different for you, you would have it.

I'm in the process of developing a Marriage Training program for young women - and rather than wait till its complete and ready, I'm going to formulate and perfect in the magazine, so watch this space!

Introducing Marriage Training, Work-In-Progress!

This article was inspired by all my younger sisters x

What to expect from your husband and children

2009-03-07T21:24:00.005Z

Is There Life After Housework? By Don Aslett

On Page 48 of his great book, Don Aslett describes how we can train our children to pick up after themselves - leaving much less cleaning for YOU to do afterwards. He describes two school canteens - in one canteen the dinner ladies clear up in two hours, and the other they take 15 minutes!

Same amount of children... same area... same size of building... but what's the difference? The boss!

"Any lady who clears and cleans up after her husband or kids older than two years deserves the trash she lugs out." (paraphrased)

He provides two suggestions:

1) Refuse to pick up your husband's and children's messes. Insist that they clean it themselves.

2) Write down & display jobs to do.

I purchased a cheap A4 photo frame, and printed out three columns (one for each child) with their names at the top of each column. I put this paper inside the frame and use it as a chore list. I use white board markers which can be rubbed off with a wet cloth.

And for the husband... ask him sweetly to take out the trash - but for all of the big stuff - use your wish list ;)

Money Matters: My New Year's Resolution to Help Hubby in a New Way

2009-03-07T18:18:00.003Z

http://blog.meganbasham.com/

In September, 2008 Random House published Megan Basham's first book, Beside Every Successful Man, a controversial and critically-hailed work that examines how women can help their husbands achieve greater success in the workplace.

"One of the things that many of the wives I interviewed for the book were very good at that I still struggle with is managing family finances. I've never been a budgeter, a coupon cutter, or a bargain shopper as my girlfriends can all attest. Yet many successful men told me that one of the things they most appreciated about their wives while they were climbing up the ladder was how she was able to keep the family living within its means..."

Read the full article here

This article was inspired by SAS x

The Fascinating Way to Speak the Five Love Languages

2009-03-07T16:09:00.001Z

Read the full article here From The Fascinating Woman's Blog, and learn how to do it the fascinating way. :)

Which Language of Love do you speak?

Words of Affirmation: verbal compliments and encouragement.

Quality Time: quality conversation involves sharing uninterrupted while the other truly listens offering up responses based on that intense listening; quality activities are set up with time focused solely on what you and your mate are doing together.

Receiving Gifts: these are visible signs of love; they may be items bought from a store or made by you; being physically present with your mate going through the same experiences may also communicate the giving of a gift.

Acts of Service: activities we tend to call "chores" fall in this category.

Physical Touch: sexual intercourse, back massages, a touch on the cheek, a gentle squeeze of the hand, hugs and kisses, etc.

[information paraphrased from Gary Chapman's website]

Take The Test from Gary Chapmans Website

Learn the 5 Languages from Gary Chapmans Site

A Good Husband!

2009-03-05T23:13:00.003Z

Ok - you're going to love this one - remember The Fascinating Woman? (the blog?) well, her husband has his own blog called "A Good Husband".

I’m Too Busy for My Spouse! What Do I Do?

"Plan for it. Most of the time, people know when they are going to have a busy time coming. Many couples fail to plan what they will do with their marriage when that time comes. Have a college finals week coming up? Are you an accountant during tax season? Try to throw in a quick lunch on one or two of those days in a week. You should integrate a weekly planning session into your activities as a couple so that you know when you can fit it in."

Click on this link to read the full article

Parental divorce is key factor in break-ups amongst their children

2009-03-05T07:48:00.001Z

Family Relationships Magazine
Parental divorce is key factor in break-ups amongst their children
July 16, 2007 by Andy Merrett · Leave a Comment

This may sound obvious to some, but a new study suggests that the rate of relational and marital breakup was higher amongst those whose parents had divorced.

The study looked at other factors, such as genetics or parental substance abuse, but found that divorce itself was a key factor that lead to the higher rate in children.

Read the rest of the article

Ustadah Zahida: How Much Can Our Past Affect Us?

2009-03-04T08:22:00.002Z

Part 1

A lot of people go through conscious hardships:
· a stressed body
· feelings of not being able to cope
· feeling confused
· having flash back memories of things which have happened (although some people don't)

When this happens, it’s a good time to think about what’s working for us in life, and what’s not; to ask ourselves what we want from life, and to take some time to self-reflect.

A lot of people encounter confidence problems in their lives, which manifest themselves during times of stress – maybe they have to stand up and give a speech at work/college, perhaps they need to spend some time with relatives/strangers, or maybe they have made a mistake and don't know how to deal with it. During these times they may have many thoughts running through their heads, such as: “I am not as good as others”, “I must be the stupidest person to make that mistake”, or “I'm not really good at many things.” It is important to note here that no-one has said this to them, but they have made these stories up in their heads without knowing it. Due to these stories, they are unable to bring out their best potential.

Where do our stories come from?

In our younger lives, perhaps there was a time when an adult, in a moment of impatience, called us “Butterfingers!” and since then things have always slipped from our hands. Maybe someone said to us cruelly, “You’re as blind as a bat!” and now we can never seem to find anything. Perhaps we were mockingly called “Thicko!” and since then we always seem to think we are incapable of understanding difficult concepts.

At the time when people called us those names, we didn't acknowledge what they were saying to us, yet over time we seem to have developed a ‘don't care attitude’ and we are not bothered that we drop things, can't find what we are looking for, or that we don't try to understand challenging concepts.

Now is the time to take action and bring out the best form within ourselves!

Doing Things Sincerely

Oftentimes we do things for other people – to make them happy or to get their approval. This is an important stepping stone that helps a lot of people become more sincere in their lives. There is a pattern that is usually followed here:
1. we do things for others
2. we get tired of doing it, end up fed-up, bitter and resentful
3. we start looking for answers
4. we begin to recognise and acknowledge our limits
5. we recognise our old patterns and break them
6. we make a new purified intention according to our limits
7. we take ACTION and start doing things for the sake of God and not others
8. and this is when our true potential comes out

We need to become one. We have been scattered in so many areas of our lives, pleasing others, doing things when we don't want to, etc., and now we need to gather our potential and get grounded. For those wishing to ground themselves, a good affirmation to recite is

“One, One, One.”

More affective is the Arabic name of God, “Ya Wahid” or quite simply, “The One”. Recite this repeatedly to ground yourselves and gain power and potential from The One.

Here is a humbling case of how the past has affected a 60 year old woman.

Client B had 6 children and had been married a very long time. She came to see me as she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. She was resentful of her husband and blaming him for lots of things. Her mother was ill and lived in a different part of the UK, and she felt guilty for not being able to look after her more. One day after visiting her sick mother, she came back home very distressed. Rather than tell her husband how upset she was, the first things she noticed was the laundry basket heaped with clothes and the extremely messy house. She at once became irritated and started blaming her husband. This is a typical example of not expressing how you really feel, but burying it and letting another negative feeling come out.

The woman just didn't know how to express herself, or communicate her feelings effectively. She stressed that she wanted to help her mother more – perhaps move closer to her, but her husband wasn't supporting her. She was resentful because she felt she had served him all her life and given him so many children. She repeated that she always wanted to do the right thing, and serve other people – it was time to serve her mother now. And within the conversation, she mentioned the fact that she just wanted to please her loved ones and to be the ‘good one’.

I picked up on those last few words immediately, and asked her “Since when have you been carrying the thought that you have to be good, to serve and please others?” She looked a bit surprised because she wasn't even aware that she had this concept. She started to reflect, and she ended up back in her childhood where her mother was always comparing her to her elder sister – who was ‘perfect’. Due to this constant comparison, Client B never felt ‘good enough’ when compared to her elder sister and she had become a perfectionist - always trying to serve and please her mum – but still her mother had never thought her ‘good enough’.

She had been carrying this concept around with her for almost 50 years, yet it had never been conscious for her. She didn't realise she was being ‘good’ all the time. She had married someone her parents had disapproved of and constantly felt guilty for letting them down. She felt that she was a bad person, and because of this concept, she let others treat her how they wanted, not the way she wanted to be treated. She described her husband as a very good man, yet she was always angry with him – it was apparent that she had two polarities of the extreme and needed to gather herself and become one.

I spoke to her and explained that she also had a responsibility in letting others treat her the way they did. She had a belief about herself but she didn't even know it. Things had happened and she had forgotten the story behind it, yet the feelings had been buried and would manifest themselves during times of stress. She had become what we call a ‘people pleaser’.

To be continued.

Please Leave A Testimonial

2009-03-02T11:30:00.002Z

We would love to hear what you think of Inspirity Surrenders. If you feel you have benefitted from reading this magazine, please let us know so we can provide material our readers want and improve the services we offer you!

Please leave a testimonial in the comments section below, Thank you!

A SIDE-EFFECT OF SURRENDERING: RESTORING YOUR DIGNITY

2009-03-02T06:50:00.004Z

Nothing erodes your self-esteem like hearing yourself screech, yell and complain at the people you love. No matter how provoked you are, each unpleasant word out of your mouth makes you feel awful, as you hear yourself sounding like your mother on her worst day.

By contrast, when you follow the surrendered principles by sticking to expressing your feelings and desires, you avoid having a hostility hangover, as well as having to make apologies.

In this way, surrendering restores your dignity, as well as the intimacy in your marriage. As you make a habit of saying what you want and how you
feel instead of criticizing your husband, you slowly but surely become your best self.

If you are interested in one-on-one telephone coaching with one of our trainers, emails us at surrenderedwife@mindspring.com. Fees range from $30-$50 per half hour session.

This is a free weekly newsletter from the author of The Surrendered Wife and The Surrendered Single.
To subscribe a friend to this newsletter, send an e-mail request to surrenderedwife@mindspring.com
For more information about the books, visit either www.surrenderedwife.com or ww.surrenderedsingle.com.

Find your nearest grammar school

2009-03-01T23:59:00.000Z

http://www.ngsa.org.uk/map/index.htm

Try To Treat Him Once A Day, (The Fascinating Way)

2009-03-01T16:52:00.008Z

WARNING! Not for stressed out or frazzled women!
(or women who have just had a baby, and other high-stress situations that also result in the aforementioned category)

Dear Friends,

If you have been following the Surrendered Wife and exercising your Self Care regularly, you should theoretically be a super-relaxed and floaty chic... therefore well done!

If - and only if - this is this case, let's try and see if you can take this one further by treating your hubby to some TLC in the evenings. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about under-the-covers stuff here, but more specifically:

give him a warm-oil head massage
fix up the foot-spa for him
give him a foot massage with luxury foot cream
give him a shoulder rub
fix him a late night snack of his favorite kind
or just simply walk into the room and ask "is there anything I can get for you, honey?"

Try to make 9-10 pm TLC Time for The Man, and see if it doesn't make him fall in love with you all over again! Marriage is all about giving the best of yourself to your other half, after all. If you cant do it daily, how about weekly? Monthly? Yearly? Try to start somewhere, the least you can do is put on your list of "Things To Do Before I Die" ;)

If these suggestions make you cringe, then ask yourself if your not behind on your own self care? If your too shattered by that time in the evening, (once the kids are asleep) - ask yourself if your getting enough rest during the day - if your doing too much? Is it really worth being so tired that you can't be the relaxed memsahib that can lavish TLC gifts on her husband?

No throwing tomatoes at me please, if you don't like this post, just block it out! It ever happened, you never read it.

UK Lecture on Islamic Marriage - Shakyh Faraz Rabbani - 6th March

2009-03-01T12:00:00.001Z

Shaykh Faraz Rabbani will inshallah be delivering a talk on:

The Sunnas of Successful Marriages: Prophetic Light on How to Make Marriage Work

Time: 20:00
Date: Friday 6th March 2009

Location : West London School of Islamic Studies (Wlsis)

83a Sunbury Road
Feltham
Middlesex
TW13 4PH

For more information on courses at Wlsis please consult the website http://www.wlsis.org/

For directions please use this map as a reference point.

Please email: info@wlsis.org to confirm a place.

Most of us through the years have had some acquaintance with Shaykh Faraz whether online of offline, however for those who who are less aware of him enclosed is a brief biography:

http://seekersguidance.com/site/courses2/teachers.html

The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, John Gottman

2009-03-01T09:21:00.000Z

Click book to buy from Inspirity's Book Clinic:

Article written by Ibraheem Kreps
Islamica Magazine
http://www.islamicamagazine.com/

"Gottman states that the basis of an enduring marriage is a solid friendship in the couple. This friendship comes from “mutual positive regard”.

The seven principles are designed to further solidify this already solid friendship:

1) ENHANCE YOUR LOVE MAPS

Get to know your partner—their preferences and their dislikes. Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world. They know each other’s goals, each other’s worries, each other’s hopes and expectations. She knows what kind of salad dressing he likes, and he knows how she feels about her boss at work. She knows what deadlines he is working towards and he knows how she feels about his sister-in-law. These are the nuts and bolts of communication.

2) NURTURE FONDNESS AND ADMIRATION

Gottman states: “Although happily married couples may be driven to distraction at times by their partner’s personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect. When this sense is completely missing from a relationship (i.e. contempt has taken over) the relationship cannot be revived.”

My own take on this is that there is a gender distinction here. Men need to feel admired (for their achievements) and women need to feel loved (for themselves). In either case the need for positive regard is fundamental.
Gottman continues: “Fondness and admiration can be fragile unless you remain aware of how crucial they are to the friendship that is at the core of any good marriage.

By simply reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities— even as you grapple with each other’s flaws—you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating.”

3) TURN TOWARDS EACH OTHER,NOT AWAY

This involves taking each other’s side, even if you believe his or her perspective is unreasonable. Don’t side with the opposition as this will make the spouse resentful or dejected. This means that if the spouse comes home and complains about the harshness of his employer, don’t even attempt to justify the employer’s behavior at the expense of your partner. The truth in this situation can wait for later.

4) LET YOUR PARTNER INFLUENCE YOU

This can be especially hard for males. As Muslims, we have been encouraged to consult. And after all the best of consultants is often right next to us. So we have to get around the trap of always wanting to be right and always knowing everything.

For example, one of the natural areas of conflict occurs in household organization. Men seem to be more aware of the functional aspects of things (How strong is the water pressure? How many amps of electricity are in the electrical boxes? How many beams are supporting the floors?) while women tend to be more aware of the aesthetics (the wall-paper is old and dingy, the lighting is dim, and none of the windows have curtains).

There is an obvious complementarity here, but it can easily break down into conflict—especially if the budget is tight and priorities have to be set. Once again, communication and compromise are de rigueur. Any attempt to tyrannically impose one’s will is likely to be met with resentment and bitterness even if acquiescence is the initial reaction.

5) SOLVE YOUR SOLVABLE PROBLEMS

These include relations with in-laws, dealing with money matters, distributing housework, and conflicts about raising children. Each of these subjects are potential minefields. Although each of these dimensions operates according to their own laws, the basic approach has to be the same:

a) Soften the startup, i.e. don’t begin with hostility and attack. Instead of “I hate it when your mother comes over” try “The next time your mother comes over, could you tell her that it really hurts me when she criticizes my child-rearing practices.”
b) Learn to back off and make repair attempts. Don’t keep pushing the point if you are at loggerheads. Avoid emotional flooding.
c) Soothe yourself and each other. Again, avoid emotional flooding. Take a break. “Chill out” as they say in modern lingo.
d) Look for compromise and common ground. Dr. Phil, the TV psychology guru likes to repeat in his shows “A couple is negotiation.” In order for this to occur, one must return to principle four—allowing yourself to be influenced.
e) Be tolerant of each other’s faults.

6) OVERCOME GRIDLOCK

There are inevitably some unsolvable problems in couples. Here Dr. Gottman has an interesting insight. He claims that one of the major sources of unsolvable problems is not including each person’s dreams in the couple’s contract.

I have seen this in my practice on numerous occasions. For example, if the woman has always dreamed of having children and the male partner objects for whatever reason (maybe this is his second marriage and he feels he has no energy left for other children), this will sabotage the marriage. Another example is the male who has always dreamed of having his own business. If his female partner is too insecure and pushes him to take a stable job at a large firm this too will weigh heavily against the success of their union.

Actually there is a spiritual dimension to this particular dilemma. The deep-seated dreams we carry in our hearts are reflections of our destiny, given to us by our Creator. If we resist and oppose them, we are actually resisting Divine Will and no good can come from this.

7) CREATE SHARED MEANING

This may involve family rituals, the evening meal together or common goals (building a house , preparing together for a world tour or developing a charitable project). In this vein Gottman leaves us with a series of practical suggestions as to time management. He calls this the magic five
hours:

a) Say goodbye in the morning and find out one item in the day’s agenda of the spouse. ( 5 minutes each workday)
b) Debrief together at the end of each work day to unstress. (20 minutes each workday)
c) Communicate some genuine affection and appreciation every day. (5 minutes each day)
d) Express affection physically once a day, Could be a kiss or a hug or back rub. (5 minutes each day)
e) A weekly date (away from the pressures of home and work). This can take many forms—a visit to the coffee shop, a
meal at a restaurant or a long walk in nature. (2 hours per week)

Now do the math. It’s 5 hours per week—a very worthwhile investment."

Mothers & Daughters

2009-02-26T22:11:00.007Z

When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends

"The more we idealise the past... and refuse to acknowledge our childhood sufferings, the more we pass them on unconsciously to the next generation" - Alice Miller" PhD

Victoria Secunda investigates the coping mechanisms that daughters took on to counteract the ways that their mothers controlled them. It important to note, she explains, that daughters should not feel ashamed that they relied on these coping mechanisms, rather to admire them - because they worked - they enabled them to make it to adulthood.

Ways in which unpleasable mothers "control"
(p79)

through neediness (Doormat)
through rigidity and corrections (Critic)
through enmeshing (Smotherer) "to destroy life by depriving it of air"
through fear (Avenger)
through silence/abandonment (Deserter)

Daughters react to those mothers in patterns of their own, adopted to make sense of the friction, to give it some balance by "pleasing"

p180

by serving (Angel)
by being ambitious (Superachiever)
by caving in (Cipher)
by being the scapegoat (Trouble maker)
by getting out (Defector)

The book discusses how these coping mechanisms spillover into our adulthood, by "duplicating the past in our adult relationships", a phenomenon known as "the repetition compulsion". This coping mechanism affects our co-workers on the job, friends, partners and spouses.

The book ends with an investigation into ways to break the cycle, redefine the mother-daughter relationship, and end with a possibility of three outcomes: friendship, truce or divorce.

Time for Introspection:

Are your coping mechanisms affecting your job, friends, partners? Are you still the Angel, Superachiever, Cipher, Troublemaker or Defector?

Highly recommended for all daughters!

How High Is Your Self Esteem?

2009-02-25T21:03:00.004Z

Take the test now!

http://www.selfesteem4women.com/

Delegate the Cooking, the Fascinating Way

2009-02-25T19:35:00.002Z

by the Fascinating Woman

"Inspirity left a comment on "the key to being a domestic goddess" post she asked, "How do you delegate the cooking?" Well Inspirity, and anyone else curious, here is some information first on whom to delegate to and secondly on how to deal with the some common pitfalls.

"Why should I cook when you do it already?", "This is your thing why should I bother?" The response to a child is fairly simple, "You'll thank me for this one day." or "I just want to equip you with plenty of skills so when you turn eighteen you can feel confident about living on your own if you want."
[Psst: the same argument works for teaching children how to do the laundry, how to clean a toilet, how to iron their clothes, etcetera.]

But what about when the party involved is your husband? I have seen two tactics that work. Tactic No. 1 is to play up what he does well. Does he have an ethnic speciality? [My husband makes amazing Chinese food.] Ask him to make some of those dishes. Several other male friends are masters of the grill and their wives encourage them tobarbecue as often as possible. Other men really enjoy making bread, so find reasons for them to do so."

Read The Fascinating Woman's Guide to Delegating Cooking

Surrendering or stuffing?

2009-02-25T10:04:00.005Z

Surrendered Wife Mentoring by Sarah Warmly, SoftlyWarmly@hotmail.com

Inspirity's Note: Sarah Warmly has run extremely successful Online Surrendering Courses and is currently in the process of redesigning her next project. I did my SW course with her.

I think some of us may have experienced confusion as to what surrendering is in some areas and what is just stuffing for the sake of the peace...yes Laura Doyle says don't sweat the small stuff but what is the small stuff and what is the large stuff?? I think we all know when we are honest....picking up his socks and changing our internal attitude about that is not a large stuff, being fun and spunky and natural and then told we should feel shame and complying is a large stuff...producing large reactions down the line that won't go away !!!

......if we are afraid of a man’s wrath at a sub-conscious level and we hear our man's voice get growly we will automatically tap into that fear and back away unless we are calm and centred (or however u like to describe that place of being where panic and emotion are not in control) in which case we can simply ask calmly what’s up? Fear is an emotion and like they say about dogs, if u let it come up in you the dog is more likely to attack. A lot of us perhaps grew up around violent father figures, maybe they didn't hit us but the threat was in the air or perhaps they hit us energetically which can be just as bruising.....so we reacted as little loves to keep the peace....we did not have a voice at that age to ask what the hell was a grown man doing venting on a tiny receptive female body.....it all just gets stuffed and then becomes automatic.....but as an adult we can step out of this.....we can take the time to address our wants and needs in an adult way and if the man flips out: well Hello that is all about him.....

Anyone who is experiencing these kinds of difficulties I really do recommend again Byron Katie....get all her books, watch the free videos on her site and You Tube and see that this is all about what you are doing to you. It’s just a covenant you made and it’s time to break the covenant.... the one who knows in you is going to wreak havoc until you do !

In my experience a woman standing in her calm power and speaking fairly and reasonably is a sight to behold and most men respond by dropping their jaws and going silent...letting in the mighty moment that SHE spoke and the truth of what she had to say.....after all most of them are carrying round 'terror of Mum abandoning them' issues so they are not half as scary as you think....haven't we all witnessed how soppy men can get when their defences are down because they are drunk?!!

We tell ourselves oh if I stand up for myself maybe he will get violent and I will get hurt or maybe he will yell at me and leave me....well in the first case has he ever been violent ??? if not it’s just a convenient story we tell to let us continue our story of being a victim of something......and if he leaves you yes it hurts but then he didn't want the real you anyways and for the sake of love on this planet it is for sure better to find that out sooner rather than later.....

Sarah